


The Gift Of Guilt\being able to see something you can't doesn't make me special considering most people are taller than you

by Sk8trboiiii



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Dreams and Nightmares, Eventual Smut, Hange Zoë Being Hange Zoë, Healthy Relationships, Humor, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Torture, Internalized Homophobia, Levi is Bad At Feelings (Shingeki no Kyojin), Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Military Homophobia, Minor Original Character(s), Nile being a Tsundare, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Shingeki no Kyojin: Kuinaki Sentaku | Attack on Titan: No Regrets, Sleep Deprivation, Slow Burn, Trust, eruri - Freeform, levi and hange being bros, past erwinxnile, puns
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 03:40:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 30,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29093619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sk8trboiiii/pseuds/Sk8trboiiii
Summary: For the past two years, Levi started to understand commander Erwin much better then he used to before his first expedition. He and Erwin are on good terms, but aren't especially close, mostly, in Levi's opinion, due to the difference in ranks.but it all is about to change thanks to a letter sent a decade ago,late night conversations,and by large thanks to Hanji saying too much way too many times.
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith, Nile Dok/Erwin Smith
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> "И ты покажешь мне, как плачет земля  
> Грохот грома разорвет нас на части  
> Там, где будет смерть,  
> Там же буду и я  
> Ты за мной не иди  
> Твое время - сейчас"
> 
> "And you will show me how the earth cries,  
> the crash of thunder will tear us to pieces,  
> Where there will be death,  
> I will be there as well,  
> Don't follow me,  
> Your time is now"
> 
> молчат дома-волны  
> molchat doma-volnyi (waves)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: despite my most wild wishes, I don't own snk

-year 840, somewhere outside wall Maria-

"only survivor huh? That's pretty pathetic."

He heard Erwin Smith talking but it felt distant, detached from reality.  
His thoughts were a bit scattered due to everything that happened on top of how physically exhausted he was.  
The realization that he made a mistake, together with Erwin's words hit him and the anger came back at full force.  
"I'm going to kill you!" He hissed through his teeth while jumping in Erwins direction and pointing his blade at him "that's why I'm here!".  
Erwin just stared at him in response with a somewhat amused look while stepping back a bit.  
"now tell me where it is" Levi said with anger in his voice.  
"What is?"  
"Don't fuck with me Erwin! where is the document?" He pointed his blade closer, this time looking more desperate then angry.  
Erwin noticed that.  
"here, trouble is" he said while slowly taking out the paper parchment, carefully hidden in his uniform jacket "I might be a foolish idealist, like Mr. Lobov so accurately used to point out, but unluckily for him I was smart enough to make a fake copy”.  
"Fake?" Now Levi was more confused then angry.  
"Yes. the original was long delivered to the military police headquarters, some time before you guys arrived. Lobov is finished as far as everything goes”.  
Levi didn't understand at first, then the previous realization about how everything he did lead him to fail, on top of losing the only people he cared about hit him harder. much harder.  
he jumped forward, desperately attacking Erwin with his broken blade. Erwin easily blocked the attack, and Mike dragged Levi back away from him, quickly letting him go.  
Levi fell on his knees, both from how shocked and tired he was. "I... I don't..." he tried to say something, make sense of it, while regret was slowly taking over him.  
Erwin noticed that too. that was a bit unexpected, he thought, but now it's important to make sure Levi chooses his side.  
“don’t regret this" he said coldly while looking into Levi’s eyes. “if you start regretting your choices, you’ll end up helplessly giving up your freedom and let others make choices for you, and that no way to live". Levi’s facial expression stayed the same, but Erwin noticed his breathing became a little calmer ”nobody knows” he continued “what their choice would bring.in order to know you must make it in the now, and see for yourself what comes later”.  
Erwin stood in silence for a moment, then signaled Mike to move out, jumped on his horse and directed it back to the walls. in the corner of his eye, he noticed Levi walking towards his horse.  
he was visibly exhausted from fighting (or more like completely dismembering) that one titan, now nothing more then a decaying pile of bones with smoke coming out of them.  
"Why did you say that to him “asked mike. He sounded a bit annoyed.  
"I think we can trust him to use it wisely. its a good coping mechanism. also, that guy is a total beast, I don't want him having doubts that soon" answered Erwin. he knew Mike for a long time and felt much more comfortable saying things without altering them as he did with others.  
"Trust him?" Asked Mike "he just tried to kill you and was actually a bit hard to stop, if he's like that after fighting an abnormal alone, he might as well take a nap now and succeed next time. You should be more careful.  
What I’m asking is-the fuck the whole speech in the end was for? you were trying so hard to piss him of, while our guy already wants you dead anyway, then told him something we tell ourselves like 15 times a day, the same thing you told me once to make him feel better, why?"  
Erwin signed, and looked back (Levi was far back so he didn't see him clearly but caught a glimpse of his horse in the distance). they lost two parts of the formation, and had some casualties here and there, but largely the signaling as well as the new formation were a success, and they lost way less soldiers than usual. mostly new recruits, at not at all a high casualty rate.  
"Truth is, I didn't expect him to be honest” He finally spoke.  
Mike looked at him with a raised eyebrow "what do you mean?"  
"I thought he was hiding behind a mask from the beginning, and that underneath it all is someone I can easily manipulate”.  
"Again, what? secondly, You JUST manipulated him Erwin."  
"I thought he was the kinda guy hiding his feeling and lack of personality behind a tough face and good fighting abilities" said Erwin "and I was wrong. I never talked to him in an actual serious situation, for me at least, before and thought that in time he'll lose it and show me his true nature. Yet, he was as honest as he always was, as it turns out “  
Erwin thought Levi to be simple minded physically strong guy he could use. like many he met before, acting quite similar to how Levi was.  
“I didn't plan on making him feel better mike"he continued" in fact, originally I wanted him to feel miserable, and do exactly what I told him not to - give his freedom up, and put his life in my hands. But turns out he isn't a tool, and he's not hiding behind anything. if so I'm the one hiding. Also, that’s not manipulative per say if I'm helping him. it's good advice, that he surprisingly took to heart".  
Mike signed "you just said it all about a guy who solved his problems with violence his whole life. I didn't expect him to act any different because what matters isn't the small signs you saw or who he really is or isn’t. what matters is he lost his men, destroyed an abnormal alone, then tried to kill you. If you're right and we can trust him, good, even though I don't see how. But if you're wrong a lot is at stake there. I met plenty of people like him-violent, rude, vile to everyone who doesn't fit with th..."  
"Heyo there captain! Are we talking about men being dumb?"Hange jumped in the convo.  
"Um actually ,yes ,you're surprisingly right" said Mike.  
"Oh DIP" she said with excitement "are we talking about Nile? because boy do I..."  
"No not Nile" said Erwin "not this time anyway. were talking about Levi, you probably met him"  
"Oh yeah he's ok, doesn’t talk much but not the creepy type".  
"Yea creepy type spot is taken already “said mike dismissively while looking back at Hange " anyway, it's actually good that you're here. you talk to anybody, and I bet you tried having titan related convos with him-would you say he can be trusted?"  
"I tried, and ,umm, considering captain Erwin is alive ,yes" Hange, calmly replying after a small pause "but we should definitely keep an eye on him to make sure. Also, I have to add that he’s Hella good at fighting titans and I appreciate that, and hes also good at cutting them up and therefore MUST BE GOOD IN HELPING ME CATCH ONE WHICH I ALSO APPRECIATE VERY VERY MUCH!"  
"Ok that enough now thank you “said mike, smiling at Hange.  
"My pleasure cap’" she answered, still thinking with passion about all that titans capture and study operations this new grumpy guy can help her execute.  
"she’s oddly convincing, but, “said mike, less annoyed this time "please be careful, Erwin"  
It will definitely take him time to understand the system, let alone trust any of us" said Erwin in response “but I'm sure one day I'll be able to sit next to him and talk the same way I talk to you"  
"Just remember that you might be wrong. keep one eye open just in case, you have me by your side no matter what"  
"Thank you Mike, I appreciate that" said Erwin in response.  
They were getting closer to the gate of Shigashina. he heard the bells ringing in the distance, and the closer they got the louder that sound became. The gate quickly went up as they got close. Hearing the bells and that gate for Erwin meant he was home again, bringing back new information, little by little expanding the knowledge humanity had of the outside world. He felt his breathing becoming calmer at the thought of that.  
Passing through the small crowd gathered to look at the expeditions returning, Erwin felt the eyes on him, some exited and some judging, as it always was. Arriving at base Erwin went with his horse to the stable. He noticed Levi apart from the other recruits, standing next to his horse. His left hand was on the horses back, probably balancing himself while feeding the horse an apple with his right. His mouth was moving and Erwin assumed he was talking to his horse-something he also did from time to time, mostly when he felt more down than usual.  
he signed, and gave the horse into the hands of the scout who was In charge of the stable. He wished he could spend more time with his horse like he used to do when he was still a new recruit, but he was a squad leader now and had reports to finish and a meeting with Chief commander Shadis and military headshots regarding formation, then with admiral Zachary and his men regarding Lobov, then commander Pixis regarding garrison providing flares, the only one he was kind of happy to go to knowing most of it he will spend playing chess, trying to explain chess moves to drunk commander Pixis, as well as drinking some random expensive bottle of something he will bring, as always.  
He headed towards his room, grabbed a change of clothes, took a shower and brushed his teeth to make sure he looks normal enough for a formal meeting, quickly arranged a pile of relevant documents from his desk, then calmly headed to the commanders office while looking through Levi’s file for the 10th time around if not more for the past few days. there were lots of personal information missing, such as exact age, father's name, family name etc. the medical evaluation estimated him to be 20-25 years of age, adding in the notes that he couldn't estimate his weight or hight and claimed to never be physically examined before, professionally at least, as well as having signs of past malnutrition, lots of scars and signs of past injuries atypical for people his age in their severity. Erwin already realized that the Missing info wasn't there most likely out of Levi’s own lack of knowledge of it. there’s a good chance he'll reveal more about himself in the future, but for now he largely still is a mystery to him. in his office, commander Keith Shadis already set down a desk so Erwin can present his formation.  
Most of the squad leaders and captains showed up already. Nile was there too, on behalf of the military police informative, sitting in a chair near the window, looking unbothered with it all as always. they trained together as recruits. Erwin felt confident reporting the new progress of his formation and flare signals. Of course, more expeditions are needed to confirm the success and get the soldiers used to the flares and the formation, but overall, they're in a good position. Not just him and his future in the military but the scouts overall, thanks to Lobov being now gone and not putting more obstacles in their way, then there already are without him.  
Of course, Lobov wasn't the only one who thought the scouts to be a pointless military branch, going outside the walls wasting their manpower and tax money on expeditions, while inside the walls there's everything humanity needs to survive.  
"Ok seems like everyone is here Erwin, let’s hear it" said Shadis, and Erwin started the presentation,  
from time to time catching Niles eye sight on him, radiating more coldness then usual.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "A soldier on my own, I don't know the way  
> I'm riding up the heights of shame  
> I'm waiting for the call, the hand on the chest  
> I'm ready for the fight, and fate
> 
> The sound of iron shocks is stuck in my head,  
> The thunder of the drums dictates  
> The rhythm of the falls, the number of dead  
> The rising of the horns, ahead"
> 
> iron-woodkid

-year 842, the scouting legion head quarters, wall Rose-

Erwin smith considered it his mission, among others, to try his best in convincing people, especially the ones with power and influence, into believing the scouts to be important to humanity’s survival.  
He also understood that most people can't be convinced by a simple idea, like he was convinced the truth was out there, waiting for him to discover it.  
Most people needed personal gain- of power, influence, money...he wasn't in the position to grant most of those yet.  
but lots of them also needed something or someone to relate to, and emotional investment of some sort. he was more then willing and able to offer that. he made friends with lords and ladies, mercenaries, businessmen, company owners, town console men, government officials (at least the ones he knew existed), The Garrison commanders, everyone in the Military police head quarters and chain of command (partly to piss of Nile, the Military police vice commander that he trained with) , and so on.  
some of them he really did like but mostly he needed the connections, especially when it came to noblemen.  
Most of them were detached of reality by nature, yet more capable of understanding idealistic ideas and emotionally relating, even if on a superficial level, then most men in positions of power, who were hardened by loss and the weight of decision making, or corruption and apathy.  
The idea of the ideal warrior was something every nobleman he met related to, even though none of them were even close to fighting anyone, let alone a titan, and never encountered actual soldiers who weren't a chameleon like Erwin or important military figures.  
The acting often worked better then he expected, but they all saw him as just a fun ambitious person to be around, not that distant unapproachable ideal.  
And more then often, he needed exactly that by his side.  
"You called, Erwin?” Asked Hange while leaning through the entrance to his office. “yea, come in, take a seat" he answered" want a drink?".  
"It's barely noon Erwin “she said “sure I do". she poured herself a glass of whiskey from the tall glass bottle Erwin kept in his office.  
"you’re offering so you're drinking, right?" She asked.  
Erwin smiled and nodded in agreement. Hange poured him a glass as well and set down on one of the spare chairs Erwin kept in his office for meetings.  
"so, Hange..."  
"Before you say anything, I want approval for my titan capturing ideas" she said loudly, cutting him of "now I KNOW you aren't in charge of that and can only say nice things about me to Chief-commander Shadis but still- I really feel like the spear-rope-box-thingy-on wheels will work amazingly and I can wait to test it and I..."  
"I got you Hange. I know how you feel" Erwin stopped her "I've been there, and I'll help as much as I can, but that's not why I asked for you."  
"Oh, ok Dope sorry “said Hange, in a more calm voice “I got carried away, what can I do for you?"  
"There's a ball event lord Byron is hosting next week. his daughter is getting married to the Alano noble family heir, a pretty big event in the upper-class world, as you can probably guess" answered Erwin, and took a small sip from his glass.  
"Sounds nice. What of it? I know you and commander Pixis are kind of friends with Byron, did he invite the two of you?"  
"He did, but mostly to be polite. He is interested in us only as a mean to his own ends, Which is fine with me and Pixis alike, but I want to use that opportunity to gain support among the attendants”  
"knowing you there should be no problem, sure commander Pixis will ruin some of it by being too drunk and saying dumb stuff, but hey" Hange lifted her now half full glass in the air "who am I to judge and besides, that what he's known for."  
"There's another thing I want to do, and I need your advice on how to do it" said Erwin, taking another sip.  
"You need advice from me? Unless we're talking titans there, which I strangely hope we aren’t, I’m a little surprised"  
Hange laughed a bit while taking another sip from her glass.  
"Not exactly. I want to take Levi with me, and since you interacted with him the most in the past two years, I’m asking for advice”.  
"First of all, don’t ask him to do it, just present it as an order and he will follow it.  
talking and connecting to people isn't his strongest suit, but he has a mysterious charm, from a safe distance. His remarkable talent in combat, that saved my ass a few good times, will be irrelevant to people who will never see him in action, so it's important to remember that. in conclusion, it's an idea that can backfire but overall might be good" said Hange "Levi became quite the legend in the past half a year or so, even among nobility. That can be a good move but you'll have to convince him to pretend being someone he isn't a little, and that’s something I can't do right at all, and you know it, so I can't help in practice"  
"Could you tell him about what I'm thinking? “asked Erwin, taking another sip "I want him to be prepared, but ditch the first part of you advice. I know he'll follow orders if given them, but I don't want to force him"  
"Ok got it" said Hange  
"Dismissed, please tell him all that when you see him, and that I'll meet him sometime later today, there’s so much stuff regarding the new map updates I need to go through first, also there's a meeting in an hour with military police department."  
"Oof, Isn't Nile vice commander now?"  
"He is. he took some part of the mapping work on his department tho, so looks like he's becoming slightly less of a dickhead now that his efforts are paying off"  
"Well then good luck, I'm gonna go now “said Hange in response.  
"Thanks, I’ll help in getting your invention approved as much as I can, trust me on that" responded Erwin while gazing at a part of a map he received, trying to figure out the best way to move trough it at formation.  
Hange smiled at him, saluted and left.  
Erwin’s eyes landed on the titan forest, or "bunch of big ass trees" as Levi called it first time they spotted it, a relatively recently discovery. They weren't sure how big it was yet but Erwin knew that in in the next expeditions they'll be able to map it. one day, he knew, he will go far beyond wherever humanity went in the past 842 years, provide to everyone and mostly to himself that his father was right. that there's a life, a future, and hope beyond the walls.  
The background feeling of guilt, the one he was used to and didn't notice much, came up again after thinking about his father. He took a sip from his still half full glass and sighed. He was ready to sacrifice everything, including himself, to make sure he can save humanity, prove his father was right from the beginning, and overshadow his guilt with the sense that he did more good then harm in his life. Erwin made sure to motivate himself with that guilt but not dwell in it, knowing well that it can destroy him from the inside out, given the chance.  
He stretched his arms upwards, then lowered them and moved his shoulders a bit, then looked back at the map. there was no time for this, he had a job to do.

-about half an hour later, scouting legion headquarters, lower floor-

The installation of the titan capturing gear wasn't an easy task, and Hange’s design still had issues that needed to be fixed, but Levi felt confident in the idea.  
He was focused on adjusting the spears that were a bit wonky due to Hanji being too exited while putting them in.  
Levi was pretty sure that wouldn't affect the work of the mechanism much at first, but didn't like things being out of order. He lifted one of the spears and placed it aside, then another, after discovering there were too many of them in the mechanism. A small mistake like that could ruin the entire experiment. Hange should know that, he thought.  
"I WONDER WHAT WOULD HAPPENED IF WE THROW THE BOX AT A TITAN DIRECTLYYY’" he heard Hange yell from the corridor .  
"Hey four eyes, come here “said Levi loudly in her direction.  
"Yea what is there an issue with the ar..."  
She couldn't finish talking since the dull edge of the spear hit her in the head, making her fall backwards on the floor.  
"ITS TOO MANY FUCKING SPEARS IDIOT" yelled Levi while walking in her direction with an angry look "you placed way to many of them and that could fuck up the whole mechanism"  
he lifted Hange from her jacket and forced her to stand up. she just gave him a confused look back "what the…who threw that?" she asked in confusion “I don’t really…”  
"If this thing that I'm still not sure how works exploded they would ban your titan experiment once and for all, not to mention it could kill somebody" said Levi back while letting her go  
"now, please stop being dumb. A lot is at stake here and you need to be more organized”.  
he picked up the spear and handed it to Hange. she took it and stood silent for a moment while Levi walked back towards the titan capturing gear, still a bit pissed off at her.  
the other members of their squad, most of whom didn’t even notice she was back at first, stared at them with unsurprised looks, then went back to cleaning their ODM gear.  
“oh i get it now sorry sorry” she said finally while running towards the device and Levi with the spear in her hand “you’re absolutely right, I will pay more attention to that.”  
She then set the spear next to the device. the arrows inside were perfectly aligned, thanks to Levi’s efforts.  
“I need to talk to you about something” Hange said “did you know that when you hand over an item to somebody while they’re busy with something or talking to someone, or hit their head just now, they would take it without thinking?”  
“thanks, very cool “said Levi coldly “is that all?”  
“no there more. we were in the same squad for a year now, and in the case my gear will get good results, I’ll get promoted, or so commander Shadis hinted recently, maybe even become squad leader”  
“I know that. you almost blocked yourself just now by being a dum-dum with details, and?”  
“there’s a good way for you to get promoted as well” said Hange.  
her smile was on the thin edge between just very big and terrifying.  
Even after a long time working alongside her, Levi wasn’t sure how to respond to it.” I’m listening” he said “did commander Shadis say something?”  
“he didn’t, but Erwin did” she said.  
For the past two years, Levi started to understand captain Erwin much better then he used to before his first expedition. the effect that Erwin's words had on him was much bigger and deeper then he originally expected there to be, and the hatred he felt then seemed strange in the now, as if it was someone else hating Erwin Smith through his memories. He and Erwin were on good terms, but weren’t especially close, mostly to the difference in ranks. a part of him wanted to get to know him better, but he didn’t rush it and believed it’ll happened naturally as he’ll go up the chain of command and would be able to see him as an equal. for Hange, chain of command wasn’t a reason not to get closer the Erwin,  
or anyone else really,  
much like anything else trying to stop her in connecting with people,  
usually just in order to talk with them about titan related stuff.  
at times, Levi got a little jealous of how carefree she was.  
“Erwin? “he asked “he said that?”  
“well he didn’t say THAT but I think it’s a great opportunity too…” Hange tried to explain. Levi cut her off.  
“ok ok chief in command of jumping to conclusions, now what did he really say?”  
“he said he needs your help, but specifically asked not to tell you that’s an order”  
“first of all, depends on help with what, secondly, how in the fuck did you come to the conclusion I can be promoted like that!?”  
Levi was confused by Hanji at times but wasn’t sure if it was him missing social cues, or her making ones up.  
“because he’s asking you for a favor, one he will definitely return” said Hange “the favor is tricky tho. In short he was invited to a ball with a bunch of rich people who can sponsor the scouts and he wants you to come because apparently they know who you are now”  
Levi wasn’t surprised people knew who he was. Nobody including him wasn’t sure for a fact how people started recognizing Levi, but he assumed a bunch of new recruits told their friends about “that one short angry dude killing titans left and right “ (an actual description Hange heard and didn’t shut up about for a week because of how accurate in her opinion it was) and a legend was born.  
Levi was fine with people believing him to be that undefeatable soldier or whatever as long as they left him alone, and was pretty sure it wont happened if he went and took Erwin’s invitation.  
But if Hange is right that’s a good way for him to gain support, perhaps even a promotion, and help Erwin without doing much. maybe he could talk to Erwin and get to know him better too.  
“ill do it” he said after a few minutes of thinking ”he has some kinda meeting now right?”  
“military police” answered Hange “but keep in mind you’ll have to play pretend a little like Erwin does with them”  
“I know” said Levi “it will definitely be a pain in the ass for the most part but that’s just a challenge for me to face.” he said while turning towards the corridor.  
“good, he said hell see you today in some point” she pointed out.  
“I’m going up now then, and ill talk to Erwin when he calls for me” said Levi  
“legit…oh, remember Nile? he’s vice commander now” said Hange.  
Levi didn’t take a liking in Nile ,much so in anyone from the military police, and he was sure none of them were especially exited about his existence either.  
“I see, so they decided to make the new one even more full of shit then the previous one” he said and started walking  
“you sure? The previous one wanted to hang you for fucks sake” joyfully responded Hange while following him toward the corridor leading up.  
“damn it, what am I doing?!”  
The both of them stopped and listened to the voice coming from just above the stairs. Neither recognized it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Contentment to be in nature  
> And kindness is still so hard to find  
> Sadness is rebellion  
> And self hate only respect"
> 
> Sadness is rebellion- Lebanon hanover

-year 842, the scouting legion head quarters, wall Rose -

Hunge slowly started climbing up the stairs, but Levi stopped her and quickly dragged her back towards the corridor without making a sound, signaling her to be quiet. they both saw a silhouette on top of the stairs. judging by the movement of his shadow, Levi could assume him to be pretty tall. the unknown man set down on the stairs. He sat silently for a minute then spoke.  
Hange and Levi heard him sign heavily. “why did I do that?" He said again.  
Something is bothering this guy, but what, and who is he anyway? Wondered Hange. his voice was familiar to both her and Levi somehow but neither recognized it.  
"Why did I choose that over you?" The man said again.  
they both heard to sound of him taking something made from paper. A letter? document?  
after a moment of silence, the man stood up  
"no” they heard him say” I made the right choice. I wanted this. you also thought it was right. I got what I wanted, and so did you" he paused  
"but why do I get so sad every time I see you, Erwin?" he finally said.  
Levi and Hange glanced at each other.  
now Hange was dying to know who was the man, and could barely stop herself from peeking at the stairwell.  
"Why did you choose that stupid scout regiment?" the man's voice broke a little "you wanted this since day one I know but why didn’t I try convincing you harder to come with me, to live a long peaceful life inside the walls?"  
his voice got more quiet but thanks to the echo Levi and Hange could hear him completely clearly .  
the man laughed lightly while sitting back down "I should have been more caring, at least try convincing you not to throw your life away like that. I got what I wanted, but what is it worth if I'm living a lie?"  
he moved the piece of paper again "you were always at peace with who you are, and told me that so many times there were tears in his voice now "but I could never say it back. could never admit it even to myself...I never..."  
There was silence for a minute or so. Hunge was pretty sure the sharp breathes she heard once in while we're him crying  
"and today I won't either" he finally said. judging by his voice, he was definitely crying "I never will. It's embarrassing enough that I kept it all this time. I have to let you go"  
he stood up and left, not before throwing something aside, his footsteps echoing from the way up. 

Levi quickly glanced at the stairwell, And went up quietly. Hange followed. inside an ashtray, set specifically by commander Shadis a few months back so he could take smoke breaks while observing Hanji's experiments on the lower floor, there was no sight of any paper.  
without thinking, Levi reached inside the pile, rather quickly finding a cramped piece of paper, buried underneath a thick pile of ash. "something is weird here" he said while shaking his hand and the letter from ash, as Hange stared at him in shock "he didn't burn it even though he could easily. this guy, whoever he is, has a strong connection to that letter. It means more then just information to him"  
"No shit Levi, but you just stuffing your hand into a pile of cigarette butts isn't something I'm going to unsee soon" replayed Hange, still baffled.  
“why the hell are you surprised? You saw me spill titan blood and whatnot all over myself for more then a year, do you really think some ash will stop me?” carelessly asked Levi, passing the letter to her.  
she took the letter from Levi’s hand and started reading.  
"Dear Nile, I..."she paused, unsure if she misread it  
"HOLY SHIT LEVI THAT WAS N..."  
"Shh be quiet, you’re not alone in the building “Levi quickly shushed her.  
"Don't shush me I'm telling you it's Nile" she said, more quietly now.  
Levi thought about it for a second "now I understand why the voice was familiar"  
"Me too I'm SO EXITED TO READ IT ..."  
"no, I'm reading. I don't want you yelling like crazy" said Levi and took the letter from Hange's hands and started reading with a quiet, almost whispering voice

"Dear Nile,

I took your advice and stopped talking about it. I’m sure ill have the opportunity to fulfil my dreams in the future, but for now I don't want to piss off anyone here.  
they're nice but totally crazy, and if you were there, you'll probably point out I fit in perfectly.  
I hope you feel that same about the military police.  
You were a good friend to me in training and ware always there to help me and lift my spirit, probably since the moment you told me my belt was backwards.  
I respect your decision and how much you value your ambitious, and one day I hope I'll become dedicated like you.

Erwin"

Levi felt a little uncomfortable reading that letter, and wasn't sure what Erwin meant in it.  
Hange was even more uncomfortable.  
"I don't get it" she finally said "Erwin hates Nile. never said one good word about him"  
Levi could only shake his head in response "he never said anything bad either, you're the one who hates Nile, and he just didn't say anything constructive in response while you talked about him".  
Hange gave him a confused look  
"he mentioned him becoming less of a dickhead" she said" which isn't really a bad thing to be honest. its true that Nile is a complete buffoon but Erwin never said anything specific about disliking him"  
"Whatever four eyes. Its all kinda boring. unless there's an obvious advantage to mentioning what we just heard I'm going to pretend like I know nothing. I suggest you do the same" Levi put the letter into his pocket after cleaning it from the ash some more "also I'm keeping It. I know how light-headed you get at times and don't want you loosing this maybe important information"  
"I'm fine with that" said Hange.it all didn't feel right to her "Nile is a condescending dick who thinks he can get his way by annoying people but now I feel kinda sorry for him" she said.  
for a moment, she wasn't excited about it at all anymore. she was just deeply sorry for Nile, despite completely dislike him as a person, or at least who he was at every meeting she saw him at.  
"Look" she said after a pause "Nile is an objectively a corrupt shitty person"  
"That's true" answered Levi.  
"But being surprised at the complexity of people is kinda dumb of me, isn't it? We all have secrets" said Hange,after taking a deep breath "I'm sure you have plenty"  
Levi raised an eyebrow "unless you wanna hear about like 50 petty crimes I committed and now feel a little bad every time I remember them, not really no, sure not something as big as that"

"Well I definitely do ,mostly secrets I ended up keeping for others" she said in a bored tone "people I know personally tend to trust me much more then I expect them too each time ,and I ended up hearing lots of interesting and not so interesting stuff I can't speak about"  
Levi shook his shoulders in indifference "once I stole a knife set just so I could participate in a street fight, that was dumb of me"  
Hange laughed in response "see? it's just the effect I have on people. but that's not really a secret .it's not like people would look at you differently if you tell them that "  
"Uhh yes I guess you're right" said Levi back.  
"I'm gonna go to my room and finish the project notes, also I'm gonna ask Erwin about it “said Hange after a small pause "I know you disagree but I have to so I can make sense of it"  
"Whatever, just leave me out of it. need the letter?"  
"No" said Hange "I want to see what he'll say without it"  
"Oh well suit yourself then" said Levi "I'm gonna clean my room, but first I need to wash my hands" he said and headed out, towards the building his room was at.  
"Thanks Levi, good luck with cleaning and stuff" said Hange and headed towards her building. she had a strange feeling about it all and had to understand it, even if it meant asking Erwin directly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel a bit bad for twisting the fuck out of the OC friendship between Erwin and Nile that was actually kinda wholesome yet painfully heterosexual, but that's my story and I do what i want.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "My need is such- I pretend too much  
> I'm lonely but no one can tell"
> 
> The Great Pretender- freddy mercury

Erwin noticed that there was something bothering him, and compared to the cold looks he usually threw at him, today Nile wasn't quite himself, and did his best to avoid looking at Erwin or making eye contact.  
"it's probably the stress. he was just appointed and probably fought with his teeth to get there, not to mention competition is much worse in the military police then here" thought Erwin.  
The meeting went smoothly enough and the map was constructed rather successfully and quickly, mostly thanks to Niles branch taking part of the work.  
The previous vice commander never volunteered to do more then he was obligated to, and that was a nice change. Erwin wanted to congratulate Nile and thank him but wasn't sure it was the right thing to do considering how stressed he was.  
By the time the meeting ended, Nile started looking better and more focused, but still didn't look directly at Erwin.  
"Hey, thanks for taking part of the work. also congrats on the promotion. I know it was hard getting there and the pressure is no joke, but you'll get used to it" said Erwin as everyone started leaving and Nile was still in the room, gathering his documents.  
for the first time this day, Nile looked up at Erwin.  
“thank you" he said calmly "I'm gonna prove myself to be better at my job then my predecessor. Also, I’m not worried at all, I know I was meant to be a leader. it's strange you thought that, maybe you are projecting your own insecurities"  
his voice was completely calm, but Erwin recognized that look. He saw this look before.  
"Um yeah I might be...Nile...is everything all right?" Erwin asked.  
"Yes, I just got promoted. Dreamed of it my whole life, or did you forget?" Niles voice was calm and confident, but his eyes were filled with sadness.  
deep, endless sadness, just like that day Erwin remembered the clearest from them being recruits.  
"I'm gonna go now captain Erwin, good luck in the next useless titan experiment, or whatever you guys do here" said Nile dismissively and left.

"Hey dummy, your belt is backwards" Erwin heard someone say while trying to adjust the belts for his vertical maneuvering test.  
He turned around and saw a black haired recruits with bright eyes and a serious look on his face  
"I didn't even know it was possible to fuck up so bad so fast" he said with a smirk and was about to leave.  
"thanks" said Erwin while trying to rotate the belt to it's correct place "and I couldn't understand why it didn't fit all that time. I’m Erwin Smith, what’s your name?"  
"Nile" answered the recruit "Nile Dok. I suggest you drop it now and leave the work for people who know how to wear belts correctly"  
Erwin laughed in response and stretched his arms backwards  
"much better. Thanks again!" and run towards the test area.  
Nile thought Erwin to be a total moron then, and still did so now, in a way. But Erwin didn't hate him one bit no matter how many snarky comments he threw at him.  
Only when they had the survival test, he realized how much of a threat Erwin, who wasn't bad at maneuvering and combat, but not as good as him, was in action, and for the first time started taking him seriously .it was as if Erwin could switch off his self preservation instinct at will and just move forward towards his goal.  
as it turned out when Nile got to the finish line everyone in their legion passed the test thanks to Erwin running through the snow like crazy without stopping for a second, hyping everyone on his path. he also broke his arm while pulling another recruit out of a trap, and just kept going anyway. Nile noticed that only after Erwin calmly asked the surprised instructor if he had bandages, because he couldn't move his arm and was, in his words, "a little concerned" about it.  
When they got back, Erwin got some rest days thanks to his broken arm, and the whole legion visited him. he was friends with everyone, and admired and liked by many, especially after the survival test.

His only downfall was his strange interest in life beyond the walls, one he frequently talked about.  
Nile considered it to be foolish, not to mention illegal.  
he himself had no interest in such things. His only goal was to join the military police, and move up the ranks as much as he could.  
"Hey, you should stop talking to people about it" he said to Erwin many times  
"Why not? Its true! The study books approved by the government have so many contradictions. There must be other people living beyond the walls, that just makes sense!"  
"Even if it does, your only way to convince anybody who matters of it is through proving it. Say you could, for that you need influence and power. and that you can't get if you keep saying stuff like that"  
"But I don't want to hide it! People need to know the truth" said Erwin, his eyes glowing with passion.  
"Most people prefer not to know more then what’s convenient for them, but anyway, your grades are good enough after that stunt you pulled at the survival test. you should go with me to the military police and drop this nonsense" said Nile dismissively.  
"No way! Why would you even want to go there? they just sit inside the walls, drink, read reports no one cares about and bribe each other, the scouts are trying to make the world better"  
"There's no better world, Erwin. even if there are people beyond the walls, they probably suck just as much as we do, and their governments, if they have any, lie to them just as much as ours does. there’s corruption, injustice and pain everywhere, and the sooner you accept it, the better"

Erwin usually didn't answer anything to that, but that one time he did.  
he and Nile were sitting outside their building that evening, a few weeks before their disbanding ceremony.  
Erwin’s arm healed already by that time but was still a bit weak, and he carefully attempted holding his cup of tea with it.  
"I did it! my arm is now healthy enough to hold a cup!“he said with excitement. Nile humorously stared at him in response  
"regarding what you said tho, I don't think it matters whether people are bad or good, here or anywhere really, Nile" he continued "what matters is that every person can become a little better today then they were yesterday. People become better by reading and finding new information they didn't know of, by fighting their fears and bad habits, by just doing what they have to do, and sometimes by understanding others and being kind to them. I want to become a better person, for myself and others. I already made the world a much worse place to live in without even realizing, and I want to make up for it. do it more good than harm. The survey corps will give me exactly that and there's no other place I'd rather go"

They sat in silence, then Nile spoke "you're a good person, Erwin, there's no way you made the world a worse place in any point. Trouble is most people aren't like that. Most people don't want to improve, they just want to do what brings them pleasure and makes them feel important, without thinking of the world or the people in front of them for one bit" 

Erwin signed in response "everything I keep talking about, the people beyond the walls, hope, future, all that" he said "is just what my father told me. he was a teacher, and one day in class, something didn't add up for me regarding human history.  
I asked him-"how can we know there are no humans outside the walls, how can we be sure? “  
my father answered something unclear to dodge the question and continued teaching. then when we got home he told me his theory about the real history, and the real world. Then" Erwin took a sip his cup. His hand was shaking a little but he ignored that "I talked about it to my friends in class. Not long after my father disappeared, and died without anyone being able to tell me or my mother what really happened to him. She buried him fast and pretended he never existed.” Erwin could feel his voice get sadder with each word” She didn't know what caused his death but knew us being close to him could be dangerous. I didn't realize that it was all my fault at the time, it came to me only as I was growing up.  
I was smart enough then to see things not adding up in a history books, but I was way too stupid for more simple truths, the ones everyone else somehow noticed.  
in my head, keeping the truth from others was almost a crime.  
I didn't realize other people weren't like me and sometimes I still don’t.  
and crimes unsolved, always remain unsolved for a reason."

Nile didn't know what to say. He kept looking at Erwin, who took another sip from his tea then leaned back on his chair "how do live with something like that?" He finally asked "how do you carry that weight so easily?"  
Erwin looked a bit surprised at that question "I don't consider it something to carry. I just do my best in the now to make sure I leave this world a little better then worse by the time I die. I want to do lots of amazing things with my life, and hope I'll have the time and power to do them all, but if I'll end up dying on my first expedition, or any of them really, I'll die knowing I did my best till the very end."  
Nile didn't know what to say to that either. he couldn't look Erwin in the eyes. He felt his heart clench up in his chest from only thinking about it.  
"by the way Nile, did you know that statistically speaking if I don't die in the first few expeditions my chances of surviving and even going up the ranks we'll be Hella high from the start? So, I just need to survive them and then it's relatively smooth sailing from there" Erwin noticed how serious Nile looked and decided to try making the conversation less heavy. Nile looked up at him. his face had the same facial expression as before, even more serious and cold, but his eyes were filled with tears.  
"I mean, I promise you I'll do my best not to die at all, but I didn't think you cared that much" said Erwin ,a little worried now.  
"I'm such a coward" said Nile ,his voice broke and he sounded a little hopeless now "you wear you personality, your hopes and dreams on your sleeve. you are the most open and honest person I know. I could never be like that."  
His eyes started tearing up, and he quickly wiped them with his hand before continuing  
"I could never be honest like you about who I really am. i just can't."  
"its okay Nile. you do not have to be like me.  
you know you don’t.  
but I have to say-you asked me how I live carrying a weight like that, it is only appropriate I ask you the same thing" said Erwin, unsure what kind of truth Nile could possibly be hiding.

"I can't tell you that" said Nile, lowering his eyes down.  
"Why not? You'll feel better if you do”  
“I wont. you will hate me if I do”  
“I promise I wont. You made passive aggressive comments at me since the moment we met. I didn’t hate you then, why would I now?”  
Nile looked up at him, his eyes still clouded.  
“besides, it can't possibly be worse then what I just..."  
Nile wasn't sure what made him do it. it felt as if it was someone else, just kissing Erwin, mid sentence, Without hesitation. Without holding back.  
Erwin felt both calm and surprised as Niles lips touched his, like it all made sense to begin with. Niles nose brushed against his, and that felt strange and unexpectedly nice. Nile felt his mouth curling up into a smile, one he couldn't hide. he blushed a little, and felt his heart beating faster and faster.  
then Nile turned back, breaking the kiss, suddenly realizing someone could see them. But no one passed near their building in that time. he signed with relief. "damn it, I'm sorry, Erwin" he said, as he quickly got back to reality "you must hate me now"  
"No I don't Nile, why would I?" Said Erwin "it was nice. I liked it"  
"You did?!" Asked Nile. he looked genuinely surprised  
"Yes, and even if I wasn't into you, I would never hate you because of something like that" said Erwin, his heart still racing "but I just realized something"  
"What?"  
"Where is everyone? there should be more people around"  
"Erwin" said Nile in a serious tone after a pause "I think we just missed dinner" and started laughing. Erwin smiled again and started laughing as well.  
The two of them together, outside their building in a camp, alone, underneath billions of stars, laughing like crazy-remained in them both as a memory of true connection, vulnerability and trust- before they parted onto their separate ways. 

"If we go now there might still be some soup left" Erwin pointed out when he finally calmed down.  
“that’s true” said Nile “it might go without saying, but I want to keep it all between us, alright?”  
Erwin looked him in the eyes. his expression was sad for a few moments, then became serious and determined  
“of course. but I want you to remember something.”  
“what is it?” asked Nile.  
before saying anything, Erwin put his hand on Niles shoulder, and took a few deep breaths.  
“I want you to remember what you always told me- everywhere you’ll go, you will find cruelty.  
but one day, I am sure, you will meet someone you will truly love.  
even if you will not understand it right away, please love yourself enough to let them know when you do. life is way too short for self-hatred and denial.”

Nile's eyes wandered aside, towards the distant voices appearing in and out of the darkness, probably recruits walking out of the cafeteria. They missed dinner after all.  
“well, there’s no soup left now” stated Erwin in disappointment.  
“I can’t promise you that” finally said Nile “my family can’t know, and having a love life wasn’t exactly a part of my plans in joining the military.”  
“you don’t have to promise me anything” said Erwin “just keep what I said in mind, that’s all.”  
They sat in silence for a moment. Erwin stood up first, then so did Nile and they both headed out towards their building, their footsteps aligning in the short grass.

Walking out of Erwin’s office, Nile felt even worse then before seeing him. for a moment after letting go of that letter, He thought that he made peace with his inability to choose both the truth and his life and future, but every time they met, no matter the circumstances ,it made him feel terrible.  
this time it was even worse. Maybe becoming vice commander did it- what he sacrificed for getting there ended up not being worth it.  
maybe Erwin is right, and it is the stress.  
maybe it because Erwin reminded him of the question in the back of his mind about Whatever it was even a conscious choice he made back then. maybe he just blindly followed his environment, the expectations of others and his fears? 

Whatever it was, all he wanted was to get to his office, drink a bottle of wine while distracting himself by going through reports, go home and drink some more,  
kiss his wife, maybe have drunken sex if she’s in the mood.  
Fall asleep in her arms.  
he doesn’t deserve her-this thought was always there, and he tried his best to ignore it.  
If only he could give her real love, and not this half ass attraction he wasn’t sure was even there most of the time he had for her.

“oh boy, that sure was a tough one!” exclaimed ,then signed one of his subordinates “permission to smoke, sir?”  
“sure whatever” said Nile. thank god someone pulled him back into reality.  
why am I so fucking pathetic? He thought as he was going down the stairs. His subordinates lit their cigarettes going down in front of him, carelessly ignoring the ashtray he threw Erwin’s letter into. Nile didn’t tell them anything about it.  
They all wanted his place and there’s no need for him to annoy them after such a long meeting and act like a drill sergeant over such a small thing.  
Nile lit his cigarette as well as he was passing by the ashtray, feeling a little more composed now .maybe he just needed to smoke. a part of him wanted to take the latter with him, but overall he felt relieved leaving it there. It was too late anyway. He carried it on himself long after Erwin sent it to him, many years ago. 

A week or so before their disbanding ceremony, Erwin told him that he loved him. for Erwin it was the living truth, and back then saying the truth for him was as easy as breathing. Nile still remembered how happy he was to hear it, but he just couldn’t say it back to him, and Erwin never pressured him to or judged him for it.  
“you and I are very different” he kept saying ”and that’s okay. maybe that’s why I love you, I want to learn from you how to become more than just myself. How to put my goals above who I am”.

“when we go our separate ways, it’s better we don’t keep in touch” Nile told him the day of the ceremony “you can still change your mind about the scouts and then you’ll see me more often”.  
Erwin looked sad after hearing him say it, and Nile hoped in a way that Erwin will start to resent him for saying it so bluntly and coldly.  
that would’ve made it easier for him to say goodbye. but Erwin just sighed and hugged him.  
“I knew you’ll say that. I think that really is better this way. I’m going to send one letter when I’ll settle down. you can send one too if you want”  
that was the first time he saw Erwin cry.  
“but its ok if you don’t” he said while still hugging him, tears rolling down his face.

Nile took a slow drag of his cigarette. Being vice commander meant he will be too busy handling the military police affairs to see anybody really from the scouts, for at least another month. the less I see him now, the better, he thought.  
He never sent any letter back. He wanted to but wasn’t sure what to say in it.  
Only then, Nile realized Erwin never expected him to send it. he never expected anything. maybe that’s why he loved him; Erwin didn’t expect him to change anything  
about himself. not even the things probably worth changing. his love was unconditional, and real, and blind, and stupid.  
He deserved none of it. or maybe he did?  
Does it even matter?  
he asked himself, dropping his unfinished cigarette, too lost in his thoughts to kill it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "How many words are left to spell  
> Until you send me back to hell  
> It never rains but it pours  
> And love is just a word"
> 
> If love is just a word-Bleib Modern

Hange walked past the military police officers, as she saw them go down the stairs. Nile passed her by, while lighting a cigarette.

“that bastard” she thought “not so smug and cool now are we? Shit I can’t even hate him normally anymore without feeling a little bad. Whatever, they should be grateful Levi isn’t there seeing them forgetting ashtrays exist, that could end badly”.  
“hey captain, quick question! May I?” she asked peeking into Erwin’s office. Erwin was standing by the window, staring into the distance. ”sure Hange” he said “but knowing you this quick question is not ganna be, no offense, as quick as you think it is. so first tell me if you saw Levi and what he said, if he did. I have the rest of the day off so I have the time”  
“yes he said he’s gonna do it”  
“good. Ill talk to him a after lunch then. i hope you didn’t tell him that’s an order”  
“I told him that’s a favor you’ll return”  
Erwin raised an eyebrow at her “you have the tendency to overstep boundaries, and put words in my mouth, Hange. I never described it as a favor.”  
“oh fuck” said Hange. Erwin was right- she did that sometimes “you are right sir, and I’m really sorry”  
Erwin smiled at her “That would bother many superior officers ”he said and leaned out the window, observing the yard ”but not me. You did good convincing him, even if you altered my words a little. Good job”  
“t-thanks sir…” she responded with hesitation. Erwin confused her sometimes.

Erwin confused himself sometimes as well. He saw Nile in the distance.  
The idea of loving someone as arrogant and boring as him seemed strange, yet the love was somehow still there, in a way. Not the crush he had then (His first crush ever) but genuine human understanding towards all of the ugly and the relatable he saw in him now.  
I became a completely different person since then, he thought to himself ,and unless I’m missing something, Nile is his same old self. Maybe he will always remain exactly that…  
“so…my question” followed Hange after a small pause “you were right and its a lot, and I not sure where to start to be honest, but I have to ask that. but I MIGHT be over stepping your boundaries again and I’m CONFUSED NOW” finished Hanji in frustration .  
“if you will overstep ill tell you” said Erwin, turning around “just ask. Its okay”  
“umm its about vice commander Nile”  
“did he say something hurtful to you? did something?” ask Erwin with a worried expression.  
“No no its not that. he never said or did anything to me. i only saw him in a few times at official meetings through the years, and passed him by a few times. He made a shitty first impression but that’s not the point”  
“yea he tends to do that” said Erwin in response.  
“I overheard him talking to himself today” she said, and decided not to mention the letter for now.

“well he tends to do that too. My assumption he said something important I need to know, am I correct?”  
“not really, no. I mean yes, maybe, but not information vise” said Hange “he did say some strange things. I promised to be quick so ill just say what I heard”.  
she tried her best to describe Niles words, as close to the original as she could remember. Erwin didn’t interrupt her at any point, so she assumed she wasn’t crossing any lines, and got more confident about her description. “I don’t know what kind of relationship you guys had, and its none of my business. but I made my assumptions as you can probably guess” she explained in the end.

“why did you decide to tell me that? Aside from hoping ill tell you what it all means?” asked Erwin after thinking a bit about her words .  
Hange thought for a minute “I was hoping to hear an interesting story, I guess”  
“just hear an interesting story?” asked Erwin with a light smile.  
“okay fine you got me Erwin, interesting story I could use against him” she said and humorously lifted her hands in the air ,signaling defeat.  
“what is there in it for you?” wandered Erwin out loud “I’m the one who has to deal with him being, well, a straight up cop. Besides, Say you prove him somehow to be gay, that without incriminating me as well, so what? He loses his post and, well, everything, then another asshat I don’t know and now have to study the psychology and weaknesses of comes along and takes his place, What is it good for?”  
“I could threaten him with it to make him help us do ,well, stuff” said Hange in response.  
“oh trust me. Don’t. Those guys know how to deal with blackmail really effectively, if you know what I mean. just don’t” said Erwin. He sounded worried, even a little angry.

Sometimes, he wondered what the military police did to his father before killing him.  
How long did they torture him for?  
How many fingers, limbs or worse did they cut off to get information out of him,  
or maybe just for fun?  
Was there even a body in that casket? If there was,  
what was even left of it ?

“captain, is everything alright?” asked Hange. She sounded a little scared.  
“yes, sure, why?”  
“you got really pale just now, and looked like you’re about to kill a man. i promise you,unless you’ll ever specifically ask me to, to never try blackmailing Nile, or bringing him down.”

“good” said Erwin, after taking a deep breath “I trust you, so I’ll tell you about me and Nile if you want, even tho there’s not much to tell really. We trained together, and had a thing for each other. we were 14 so aside from a few kisses, as you can assume, nothing really exiting happened. I didn’t talk to him about anything combat unrelated for almost 15 years now, and I had no idea that it was so meaningful on his part. But I have to ask, regarding your original motive, and considering you’re the one who heard him crying over, well, me- don’t you feel sorry for him at all?”  
only after asking, he realized how strange that question was considering his thoughts less than a minute ago about the military police.  
“I do” said Hanji “I really do. and that IS a cruel move to make. Thing is he’s a corrupt and terrible person.  
Had he a card like that against you, one he could use without hurting himself at it, he would do so with no hesitation or remorse, no doubt in my mind. in the letter there’s not much that could do that, so…”  
“what letter?” asked Erwin  
Oh, god fucking damnit, thought Hange. Once again I said more then intended. “he threw away a letter you wrote, I took it”  
Erwin stared at her for a few seconds “ why didn’t you mention…oh god please don’t tell me you lost it!”  
“NO I didn’t! Why does everybody think I’m uncapable of keeping a single letter on me? I’m not THAT lightheaded"  
It took Erwin a few minutes to understand what to say before speaking, he chose his words carefully  
“if you wanted to see my response before telling me about it, I’m not mad but don’t do that again.  
It makes me feel like you don’t trust me, and that’s, well, fucked up, considering I’m your friend.”  
“Im sor…” Hange started to say, but Erwin cut her off.  
“it's fine, I get it. Who did you give that letter to ?”  
“How did you know I gave it to someone?”  
“you said “everybody” .someone already told you you’ll lose the letter. that why you got mad.”  
“okay yes.but he asked me not to drag him into it, so I rather not say. he also said he wont mention it, unless he’ll have a good reason to.”  
“so he was there, and chose to keep it to himself. smart guy. Definitely from your squad so I have seven options.  
all right, I’m going to put my trust in you and your mysterious friend, but I would like to get my letter back, directly or from you, doesn’t matter.”  
“yes, of course ”said Hange. Thank god he didn’t start questioning me, she thought.  
”on that note” Erwin continued in a bored tone ”its almost lunch time, I’m starving and I think there’s pie today. you coming?”  
“yes sure” she said, getting up “are you going to say anything to Nile?”  
“No” said Erwin, he got up and started walking towards the door “unless he talks to me”  
“understandable” responded Hange, joining him “but you might reconsi..”  
“yes, I might, but that would be me crossing his boundaries. Also ,for obvious reasons, I don’t really want to deal with him more then I have to”  
He said, walking into the hallway with Hange right behind him.

“Erwin was right, there is p i e” said Hange with excitement to Moblit and everyone else in her squad in the cafeteria. ”look how perfect it lookss”  
“yes ,it is” said Moblit “it looks good”  
“Hange whats more important for the survival of humanity? titan studies, or pie?” jokingly asked nifa.  
“I cant say not t…” Hange begin to answer  
“WRONG! ITS PIE!” yelled nifa.  
“its pie” said another squad member  
“definitely pie”  
“always has been” said Moblit, blushing when everyone laughed at his imput. He was indeed shy.

“anybody knows where's Levi at?” asked hange after a few minutes, no longer distracted by the piece of pie she just ate, after they sat down together at the table.  
“I saw him cleaning our room” said Moblit in response “I wanted to help but he looked more scary then usual so I left”  
“he did? ”asked hange. Why would that be. Maybe the whole Nile situation unsettled him just as it did her.  
“yup. i mean…he always looks scary” said Moblit “maybe its just me”  
“did he not notice the time?” wondered Nifa out loud  
“I don’t know. Maybe he didn’t, you know how he is with cleaning stuff” said Moblit in response.  
“oh well, more pie for us then” Hange pointed out, and went up to get another slice. if Levi was really bothered by that all its better to leave him alone for now.  
She knew him for a long time and that sometimes he just needs some space and cleaning supplies to figure things out.  
Levi, on his end, believed the case to be same. he just found a dusty lamp, standing on one of the spare tables in the hallway of his building. the table was much cleaner then the lamp, but he decided to dust it off anyway. He noticed the time, but decided to stay, considering his state of mind didn’t change enough for him to understand himself after cleaning his room and a large portion of the hallway.  
he felt was strong, almost painful, and mostly unusual.  
he didn’t like that one bit.

In order to think, Levi needed to move ,clean something, if there was nothing more useful to do at the time.  
luckily the sensation in his chest went from strong (an hour and a half ago, he almost broke his desk while slamming the cleaning supplies on it, probably startling Moblit in the process) to bearable as time went by, and he was occupied with a task.  
he spotted a spider web in the corner of his eye, loosely hanging from the window frame.so he opened the window and ,using his broom, firmly pushed the web out. the spider, whom Levi noticed and decided to leave alone, quickly crawled out and away from the window, looking for a less noisy place to set his trap in.  
Levi finally found the words to describe his feelings -he felt jealous, betrayed even, as if something very important that belonged to him was taken away in the most unfair and unexpected way.  
“why would I be?” he asked himself “that’s so goddamn stupid” and started swiping the window, starting with the frame, that was covered with much more dust he expected there to be.  
The feeling was still there, still making no sense.  
was Hange right to say everyone has secrets? is there's something he's unaware of thats bothering him?

yes,he realized right away. The question was there so he definitely was in denial of something. To that Levi was used very well.  
He knew himself well enough to be familiar with his tendence of burying unfamiliar feelings and ideas.  
He liked structure and routine, and it took him a good reason to attempt a change in any of those.  
”what a pain” he mumbled, trying to find a ladder or chair to climb on so he could clean the upper frames. 

Before joining the survey corps, living in the underground city, Levi never bothered with understanding how he felt.  
He had no time for this and Mostly, anger and indifference were all survival took.  
On the surface, everything was much more complicated.  
people suddenly weren’t like him and were mostly emotional, unpredictable and constantly changing, even when survival was really the only thing in sight.  
There was still so much that flew over his head and it low key pissed him off each time, but he wanted to understand the people around him better.  
he felt jealous of how knowledgeable and understanding Erwin was at times, and really wanted to get to know him , in hopes of maybe understanding how he does that.  
”in becoming a captain ill need at least a basic understanding at what people want from me. I need to observe others who do if I want to get better at it.  
next week ill have an opportunity to do that ”he thought, balancing himself while standing on two chairs, ones he just placed on top of each other to get to the window frame  
”and I might just get promoted while I’m at it. two birds in one stone”  
the idea of pretending to be someone else pissed him off too, but it was worth it .  
he had no doubts considering that.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We fought for good, stood side by side,  
> Our friendship never died.  
> On stranger waves, the lows and highs,  
> Our vision touched the sky,  
> Immortalists with points to prove,  
> I put my trust in you.
> 
> A Means to an End- Joy Devision

“so, Levi. I’m really glad you agreed to help me. I promise you won’t have to do anything extreme.  
there are some things I want to go over with you before our operation, but I also have to note it won’t require lots of changes in you. I need you to act as you always do. Even more, um, snobby than usual, no offence”  
Levi stood at the entrance to Erwin’s office. He felt tense at first, expecting Erwin to tell him that much change is required.  
“thank god. none taken, and what?” said Levi in response.  
It’s strange that Erwin isn’t asking me to be more “sociable” (ugh I hate that word), he thought.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to bombard you with so much info straight away” said Erwin after looking back at Levi for a moment “I’ll explain. Tea?”  
“sure” answered Levi and looked across the room. There was some dust on Erwin’s bookshelf. the lamp on his desk was leaning to the right way too much. why is there a sheet music notebook underneath the cabinet?  
“do you play guitar?” asked Levi.  
“what? Oh yes, I do, try at least. I’m not that good. It’s amazing that you noticed, my fingers really don’t respond to it well yet“ said Erwin, amused with Levi’s attention to detail.  
He handed him his cup and showed him the palm of his hand “see? my index finger is really a mess but it’s not like I have much to do in my spare time anyway.”

“when I was young, I had a, um, friend why played.” said Levi. He took a sip and sat down on a chair placed in front of Erwin’s desk, trying his best to ignore the unevenly placed lamp.  
“He only knew two songs that had 3 repeating notes in each and talked about it like he was hot shit. But he had a decent voice, or so I remember.”

Kenny (usually while high and with the occasional woman he came home with) also liked making improvised glass harps out of empty half-filled bottles.  
They usually left them on the floor (after ending up distracted by other activities) and Levi would always end up tripping over them in the dark.  
He decided not to mention that to Erwin. 

Erwin calmly sat down Infront of him and took a sip out of his cup.  
“I think I’ll start with 3 notes then and hopefully stop playing out of tune after some practice” he said with a smile. Levi was looking straight into his eyes as he talked. Erwin wasn’t used to people looking at him in such a straightforward manner, but it made he comfortable, like he was fully heard and understood.  
It felt nice.  
“I’ll explain what I said earlier.  
People already see you as a heroic mysterious ideal and your personality is playing well into it. I am going to be right next to you the entire time. You can let me handle the talking, and be as short in your answers as possible.  
To put it simply, be silent and show no emotions whatsoever, and act like you don’t give a flying fuck who the people in front of you are, like, ten times harder than in reality “said Erwin. He seemed confident in whatever plan he had.  
“fine with me” said Levi “I’ll do that.”  
“any questions?” asked Erwin. He sounded exited.  
“yes, I don’t want to tell you how dumb your plan sounds, in hopes I won’t have to pretend to be nice to people like you said” Levi responded in a bored tone” but it sounds dumb to me.”  
Erwin smiled in response.  
“I’m taking a gamble” he said.  
“well, that didn’t explain shit, but I’m fine with that” dryly said Levi. Erwin chuckled in response.  
“you know those people, and I don’t. you know what’s the right move here, not me” he continued, and took another sip “the tea is good. It tastes like oranges a little”.  
“it’s a rare brand. A gift” said Erwin.  
“those are hard to get by” asked Levi and pointed at the brand on the box, that stood on Erwin’s desk on top of his paperwork “There are actual guards in this factory. Tch. imagine guarding tea for a living.”  
“sounds like a boring job” said Erwin, leaning back in his chair.  
” unless the tea needs guarding from people like you, in which case, deadly. I want you to have it.”  
“the box?” asked Levi.  
“yup. I don’t drink tea much, not as much as you anyway” answered Erwin.  
“thanks” said Levi “if you’re expecting me to say that I can’t accept a gift like that, don’t. I don’t refuse Tea.”  
“I wasn’t” said Erwin.  
“good. but expect a gift back” said Levi.  
“fine, please don’t give me a guitar tho. I already own an extra thanks to Mike forgetting I had one” he said, then suddenly realizing he was right then, two years ago, to say he and Levi would end up talking just like he and Mike still do.  
His face lit up at the thought of that.  
Levi wasn’t sure why the fact of him having an extra guitar made Erwin smile, but decided not to ask. Instead, he kept looking at Erwin’s whiskey bottle, standing on a shelf next to the window, trying his best to memorize the title.

-a few days later, The Byron family estates, Wall Maria-

“oh my god, it him”

“humanity’s strongest? here?”

“honey, don’t stare, it’s not ladylike.”

“I thought he’ll be…taller.”

“my goodness, it’s really him!”

Levi tried his best to ignore the whispers around him but couldn’t hide how irritating it was.  
“could they, like, shut up?” he hissed while him and Erwin walked through the crowd.  
Erwin gave him a cheerful look.  
“I wish” he said with a smile.

“Commander Erwin! I’m so happy to see you made it” Lord Byron came up to them with a big smile on his face.  
A heavily build man in his mid-50s, his clothes perfectly tailored, with golden ornament and rubies, evenly sized, decorating the collar of his shirt.  
The smallest gem on the many rings of his fingers would’ve been worth more than enough to buy half of the underground city, residents included, thought Levi to himself.  
“I’m so glad the military affairs didn’t prevent you from showing up!” he said while enthusiastically shaking Erwin’s hand.  
A tall, pale black haired young woman followed him, holding his other arm. her white dress was decorated with small, handpicked pearls, and a small sapphire pendant as hanging around her neck.by the looks of it all, she seemed to be the lord’s daughter.  
“a pleasure to see you Mr. Byron, but I’m not yet a commander” responded Erwin with a smile.  
“how many times I told you to call me Liam? there’s no need for such formalities” Byron quickly responded.  
“father, you know he won’t stop being polite” said his daughter. she sounded bored. Lord Byron turned to her and slightly raised his eyebrows. She immediately elegantly bowed at them slightly, while holding up the sides of her dress.  
“my daughter, Ilona” said Byron while nervously moving the collar of his shirt.  
“congratulations miss” said both Erwin and Levi (thank god they said it at the same time, and it didn’t end up weird, thought Levi).  
“thank you, captain Erwin, and you are…”  
“Levi” said Erwin.  
Levi lowered his head down and up, just as Erwin instructed him to do while meeting people without changing his facial expression. That was easy, he thought.  
” he’s my subordinate.”  
As he said those words, lord Byron let go of his daughter’s hand and turned around to greet someone (“Luca junior! It’s been ages, my friend!”)

“interesting” said Ilona, her facial expression not changing as well.” Levi what?”  
“Just Levi” said Erwin.  
“oh” she said in response while briefly looking back “never met just an -insert first name- before. truly, the first thrilling experience of the day”  
“I’m glad you find my subordinate thrilling” said Erwin with a smile.  
“I do, but that’s not as uplifting as it may sound. I thought my life inside wall Sina was boring, but here everything is so much worse” she fetched a glass of champagne from a platter one of the servers were carrying and, after making sure her father wasn’t looking, and drank it in three quick gulps “absolutely nothing is happening. Now if you two will excuse me…” she quickly bowed and joined her father, who was now enthusiastically discussing golf with another lord.

“Wel'p, that was weird” whispered Erwin to Levi.  
“I thought “finally, a normal fucking person” to be entirely honest” whispered Levi back.  
“that’s not the place for ordinary people, Levi. So, I rest my case” quietly said Erwin back as they passed through the hall.  
Both were wearing their formal uniforms, so they mostly stood out among the colorful crowd. Levi still felt the eyes of the people around him as he was walking next to Erwin, so he was almost too annoyed to appreciate the architecture. he looked up at the massive, heavily detailed painted ceiling with blue undertones resting on tall pillars, craved out of white granite, reflecting in the perfectly clear floor. not bad at all, he thought.

Erwin kept recognizing people in the crowd.  
His ability in leading as well as supporting conversations, connecting and understanding whoever was in front of him, and finding the right way to make sure they understood him as well, came especially in handy there.  
Levi, on the other hand, didn’t talk much and responded quickly and as shortly as he could to the questions asked.  
He wasn’t sure whatever the results of him doing that were what Erwin’s had in mind, but he trusted his judgement.

Trust.

For Erwin, the idea of trust was always almost terrifying, but very exciting as well. The decision to trust Levi back was mostly influenced by the strange effect he had on Erwin since the second he saw him in the underground, and still, two years later, he wasn’t sure exactly what it was.

Of course, it’s impossible to trust anyone completely without being fool while at it, thought Erwin, as he glanced at Levi, but if you can acknowledge the dangers of trust, the double-edged blade it might be hiding behind its back, and decide to go forward anyways, completely prepared to face that blade, that is aimed straight at your heart, it’s a saying.

“going beyond the walls must be so exiting! Had I been there with you I would probably end up dead in two seconds! “  
Ernest Alano, Head of the Alano family, with whom, together with two other lords, they had a conversation about hunting (Levi just shook his head in agreement to all of it) suddenly pointed out.  
Levi almost nodded to that in agreement as well but stopped himself in time.  
“you see, captain Erwin, I’m a mathematician, just like my father was, and fighting, or any other physical activities really, were never my strongest suit. I don’t think I ran since I was 14 to be entirely honest” he pointed out with a giggle.  
He was wearing an expensive dark blue suit, and his long bright brown hair was tied in a bun. “it’s wonderful to know there are so many different people with different talents. For example, you, Mr. Levi- you must be a true prodigy in combat as I was told, yet you don’t talk much.”  
Levi raised an eyebrow unintentionally in response.  
“and that’s perfectly okay” continued Alano “my sisters hate math, and love hunting, especially the youngest, while I’m terrified of hunting, which is also the reason I changed the topic. Also, given the opportunity I always wear a vest, shorts and sandals, and if my sisters did not pick that suit for me, you would end up witnessing a “fashion disaster” right now, in their words.”  
Erwin and the other lords laughed, and Levi gave out a small smile in response to his words.

“sorry I started with the hunting talk, dear Ernest “said one of the lords “your dislike for the topic completely slipped my mind. Hey, remember when we…”  
Erwin followed the conversation halfly listening, while wondering about his words.  
you’re a good person, Ernest Alano, thought Erwin to himself, how much of it you really chose is beyond me, but I’m sure you care enough about the world to turn out to be helpful in my cause.

If only other people had the same opportunities as you, at least when it comes to doing what they love and avoiding violence by choice,  
especially while the only form of violence in sight is something as trivial as hunting.

Levi at the same time raised his eyes up to look at Erwin.  
His laugh distracted him from the conversation, and for some reason it was hard for him to concentrate now.  
Erwin felt Levi’s eyes on him, and instinctively looked back. The two looked at each other for a few seconds without speaking a word.

Erwin found looking into Levi’s gray deep and expressionless eyes calming for some reason.  
I should definitely do that more often, he thought.  
Then, he blinked and looked back at Alano and the others. Levi’s sight was calming but somehow inciting. He felt his heartbeat get faster at the thought of that.

He looked back at Levi, who no longer looked at him or Ernest Alano or his friends, but at something far away in the distance, behind Erwin.

“motherfucker”  
That’s all he heard him hiss under his breath before Levi quickly leaped past him and started running.  
“what the…wait!” yelled Erwin while setting foot after him, trying his best to understand what’s happening and where they are headed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While writing the last sentences i almost wrote "Levi Jumped" instead of "leaped",  
> remembered the "Lions jumping 36 feet" tumblr post  
> and low key died laughing picturing that.  
> (NO LEVI DIDNT JUMP INTO THE FUCKING SKY IMAGINE HOW TERRIFYING THAT WOULD BE)
> 
> the post- https://imgur.com/gallery/L0Je5On


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let this be a sermon  
> I mean everything I've said  
> Baby, I'm determined  
> And I'd rather see you dead
> 
> Run for your life- The Beatles

They look just like the sky first time I saw it.  
That is all Levi thought about while looking into his eyes. 

There was nothing more on his mind for those few seconds. Then Erwin looked aside, and Levi’s thoughts drifted away on instant, as far away from this weird warm feeling clouding his mind as they possibly could. Why am I sweating, asked himself Levi, that can’t be a good sign.  
I really can’t wait to go to back so I can be alone. Not much change is required my ass, Erwin. Why are there so many fucking people…This fucker right there is running, what is the rush? did he just pulled out a knife?  
Levi thought about how They checked everyone up on weapons to an extreme on entrance. they took the garrison commander’s pocket knife, even after Pixis claimed that he mostly uses it to open bottles. something shitty was definitely going on here.  
He then leaped forward, passing Erwin by. There might be no time to explain.  
Everyone around them seemed to be too caught up in their thoughts or conversations to notice anything. And the man kept running, headed towards something outside the hall.  
The part of the building they were at had an exit to a large garden, and it seemed he was headed there. Levi was about to run after him, but he heard Erwin behind him, yelling for him to wait. So he slowed down and let him catch up to himself.  
“I saw a knife” was all he said to Erwin.  
“I’m handling it. don’t intervene unless things go south to the extreme. That’s an order. Let’s go” said Erwin in a serious tone.

…

they stopped running at a fair distance from where he finally stopped. The garden was huge, and they were sure no one in the building had a way to see let alone hear them.  
after a few moments while the both were catching their breath, they silently agreed to play it safe and quietly approach him.

“You really think I’m going to let you off easy like that!?” 

The fuck is happening? thought both Levi and Erwin to themselves, as they slowly got closer to the man and whoever he was yelling at now.

“I love you! Why did you do that to me?!  
I always treated you well and protect you, and you decided to call it off and leave. Did you seriously chose that fucker over me, where even is he now when you need him huh?!”  
“there are lots of smart words coming out of your mouth today, Sam” Ilona was standing in front of him, leaning on a white ornamented fence, facing him.” I wanted to feed the fish, and asked that he doesn’t come with me. it’ll be a long time till I come back there, and I wanted some alone time, a concept you never seemed to comprehend.”  
Her facial expression looked calm and collected, yet the grip of her fingers over the edges of the fence behind her back got more tense with each word. “bold of you to insult my future husband like that. I’m reminding you his title is not any lower than yours, since that’s all you seem to care for. I hope you can one day understand what it means when people tell you no, but for now I lost my patience in explaining such obvious things. now, leave me be and find someone else to annoy” she let go of the fence and tried to leave, but the man grabbed her wrist.  
“I’m not leaving. You aren’t either. I love you; you have to give me another chance!” he said and got closer to her.  
“let go Sam, you’re hurting me” se said, her voice shaking a little.  
“oh, come on! that was ONE TIME. I already said I’m sorry, right? What more do you want?!”  
“I want you to leave me alone. Do you want me scream?”  
“maybe I do” he said back. He pulled the knife out, quickly pointing it at her faces “stupid girls like you think they own men. You thought you can just spin me on your little pretty finger then leave when it gets a little rough? I bet you did.”

“No” her voice got quieter, but she kept looking him in the eye “I knew you since I was a child.I thought you were a good man,  
But, when you started praising me in front of your friends one second, belittling me the next.  
When you started telling me what to wear, who to talk to, what to say and what not, and finally when you slapped me because, what,  
I met my brother without telling you?  
I realized then you are absolutely pitiful, and I deserve better, so I left.”  
her gaze slid to the sharp knife, now awfully closely placed to her face, then back at him  
“you waited till ill be alone so you can try doing that again.  
But it won’t work anymore. I’m not coming back.  
I’d say, “accept it”, but I know you can’t, because in your heart, you are a spinless coward.”

He smiled back at her “Nobody’s perfect, honey, and I’m a really nice guy.  
but instead, you chose THIS, I bet he’d rather play chess than fuck you, that’s why you look so mad all the time,  
but his rich right? RIGHT? That’s all you bitches care about!”

Erwin didn’t like the way he was holding that knife. He signaled Levi to stay where they were and headed towards the two.

“who the fuck are you?” asked Sam, slowly moving the knife back as he saw Erwin  
“what is the scouting legion doing here? I don’t see any titans nearby.”

Oh, you piece of shit is worse the titans, at least they have an anatomical excuse for having no brains, thought Levi, trying his best to hold back from how furious that guy made him.

“I’m Smith, Erwin. Captain in the scouting legion” said Erwin slowly and raised his hands to the sides, signaling he’s unarmed, as he got closer  
“how about we all calm down? Hand over the knife, sir, I’m sure you don’t want any more trouble.”  
“I’m not handing over shit! You think you can order me around, you dumb fuck?! I’m a lord for fucks sake!” yelled Sam back.  
Every strain of logical reasoning he had was gone now, both out of fear and anger overtaking him completely. ”now fuck off! And if you know what’s good for you, you saw nothing.”

Ilona, who remained silent as the exchange happened, as she saw the blade get further and further from her face, realized that was her chance,  
so she pushed Sam away and jumped towards Erwin as fast as she could.  
Erwin quickly pulled her aside and got in between them.  
He managed to stop the blow directed at her, but the knife managed to slightly cut his upper chest, going from the middle to the edge of his Left shoulder.

WELL, WENT SOUTH ENOUGH FOR ME, thought Levi and ran towards them as fast as he could. 

…

“what are you doing?” quietly Levi asked the man as he pressed the knife carefully to his back.

he did that more times in his life then he could count but that was probably the quickest it took him to knock a knife out of someone’s hands. now he was standing right behind him, bending his right hand against his back as well.  
Erwin looked at them with a somewhat worried expression, one of his hands behind him, defending Ilona, and the other instinctively clenching his shoulder, yet decided to say nothing.

The man was at least one head taller than Levi, and could probably find the situation amusing if it wasn’t for how angry and scared he was at the moment.  
“I…I am…” he tried to speak but couldn’t. his hands and voice were shaking, and Levi found it pretty annoying.  
Not only that you decided to shank somebody, but you also also aren’t skilled for shit, he thought.  
“you know what” he whispered while pressing the knife a little harder with its dull edge “I just decided that I don’t care. that was shitty an attempt at anything, really, and you probably don’t know jack about how to correctly stab but let’s just say your knife is held right behind your kidney. That means, that if you make a wrong move now, I can make sure you die a relatively quick yet extremely painful death. I really hate pointless noise and getting myself dirty, so how about you just leave her be now, thirds times the charm? Some pieces of shits just don’t learn unless there a knife involved.”  
The man didn’t say anything. He couldn’t move.

“well, I’ll take it as a yes” said Levi as he quickly drew the knife and hid it in his pocket  
“thanks for the knife. Let’s just say I can find that spot the second you do some dumb shit again, and this time there could be no warning, we clear?”

“I don’t know who you are” said the man now. His voice was still shaking but it seemed he was coming back to reality and started to sound angrier than scared with each sentence “I don’t care who you are. kill me and you’re done for, do you have any idea who my father is? Who I am? Well, I don’t have time to waste on you. she knew and now she’s about to pay. with the knife, or without, she will pay for this”.  
“even if I’ll have to choke her to death with my bare hands!” 

he tried to release himself from Levi’s grip, not expecting him to be strong enough to hold him back. But he was wrong. Levi skillfully trampled him into the pavement, bending both his hands behind his back this time.  
“stop struggling, I might ACCIDENTALLY dislocate your arm like that, tch” he said as Sam kept trying to break free out of his hold. 

Levi looked up. Ilona was sitting down on the pavement with a relieved, yet empty expression, tears rolling down her face, hugging Erwin.  
“hey, hey…shhh…it’s okay now, you are safe…you are going to be okay…” he softly said as he carefully caressed her back, trying his best to calm her down.  
She slowly closed her eyes and buried her face in his jacket and started crying.  
Erwin heard her whisper a muffled “thank you” in between the sobs. He kept hugging her tightly, looking Levi in the eye from time to time.

“Erwin, was it?” she asked after a minute or two, as she started to slowly calm down” thank you. so much” she looked at Levi and after a few seconds continued “Thank you too… I… I forgot your name sorry.” 

That’s the first time they saw her smile. Levi gave her a small smile back.  
“its Levi, but its fine I don’t care. next step is calling guards or something, right? Could you guys do that while ill make sure this piece of crap stays in place?”  
he answered quickly while bending Sam’s arms a little harder back. The latter groaned in pain in response, and once again to no avail tried to get up.

“you idiots, let me go! Do you really want to do this to me, Ilona?”

“oh, it’s okay” she said. Her voice got collected and calm all the sudden, but the smile was still there “I don’t want to that to you. I’m sure you meant none of it, right?”  
“oh of COURSE I didn’t, it was nothing, right, Ilona?” said Sam then, a tiny bit of hope appearing in his eyes.  
“yes. I am sure we both can just forget about it then?” she continued with a smile” We can part ways and just be nice to each other from a distance, right? And I won’t tell anybody you did any of it, what do you say?”  
“YES, sure thing” said Sam. He sounded a little defeated but much less scared.  
“then it’s all agreed. I’m sure you see where I’m coming from then” she said and got up and looked at him from above. Erwin got up too, with his hand still on his cut shoulder, unsure of what’s happening.

“Mr. Levi, could you please break his arms for me?”

“Sure thing” said Levi as he skillfully and quickly placed his leg above one of his arms, in order to create a breaking point.  
“WAIT,NO! STOP! WAIT! PLEASE BUT YOU SAID…” yelled Sam as his expression fell completely in response. he started shaking again “please don’t do this…”  
“oh, I though that for you the word no meant nothing.  
Besides, I need to know for sure I can trust you, what is a better way to prove you won’t try anything like that again then this?  
Or would you rather we call the guards and ruin your reputation instead?”

“please, I didn’t mean it!”  
he felt his eyes fill with tears as he had no idea what he was saying anymore from how scared he was.  
” please no I didn’t…” he couldn’t finish his sentence because he heard a loud “Crack” right behind his right ear  
and a second later felt the excruciating pain resulting in Levi breaking his right arm.  
Levi decided not to wait till he’s done screaming over that arm to move up to the next, as he usually used to do back in the day.  
he moved his leg to the left and bent Sam’s arm backwards again, until he heard the familiar sound of the bone breaking.  
he found the situation much more than satisfying, and was glad he took Erwin’s invitation more than ever,  
but he still had a small reminder of compassion in his mind, and the thought about how fragile people can be,  
only merely interrupted by the screaming he just caused, that only amused him a little bit.

…

“please tell me the truth, do you think I over reacted?” asked the Ilona as they were walking back towards the hall.  
“what if it was too much? I mean, I try my best to act like like a lady and I really can’t recognize myself anymore after I ordered you too…”.

“nah”  
“no”  
Responded Erwin and Levi at the same time.

“of course, if always better to avoid violence and use it as a last means” continued Erwin “but the more options you allow yourself to have in any situation, the better your ability to choose. Many people, more than often woman, feel pressured to avoid being seen as rude or unwelcoming. But in the face of blunt boundary crossing, disrespect and actual danger I wouldn’t expect anyone to act collected. And I believe it to be an unrealistic expectation to put on yourself to swear to never use violence, even if only for save defense.”  
“he tried to take away your freedom and you fought back, and he almost shat himself because of us as a result” said Levi “he had it coming.”

“I guess you’re right… but if it wasn’t for you two, I’d probably still be stuck there with him. he could have killed me…” said Ilona after thinking about their words.  
” I’m going to ask, no I’m going to tell Ernest that I’m going to find a self-defense teacher. I don’t think hell like the idea…why am I still scared of making choices that I know to be right?!” she said and stopped walking. She sounded devastated.  
Erwin thought for a moment about what he should say, but Levi begun to speak before him.

“I tell you what…” he said “its going to suck for some time now, but the more you fight it the better it will get, and the stronger you’ll start feeling again. life and people often fuck us up, and when that happens sometimes our brains starts lying to us. It’s just trying to protect you from reality in a messed-up way, and will keep lying forever if you let it”  
“but if you keep in mind what’s out there, in front of you, and not what’s in the past already, the lie can’t hold up, and you brain will have to find another way of protecting you, which is facing the reality instead of running away” he finally said, then turned to face Erwin “speaking of which, Captain, you’re bleeding, and we need to disinfect that, so let’s go faster.”

Ilona wanted to say something, but Erwin responded way too quicker then she could.  
“oh, don’t worry that’s just a scratch” responded Erwin “I was about to surprisingly say something similar…”  
“I’m not WORRIED, and no that’s a bad cut and you need bandages” answered Levi in a slightly pissed of tone.  
“don’t swear in front of the lady” Erwin brushed him off “also, in your words, your brain is lying to you, that’s just a light cut.”  
“your shoulder is LITTERALY covered in blood for fucks sake!” hissed Levi at him as they walked together in front of Ilona now.  
She smiled at them.  
“Thank you, both of you. We really should get going, ill get some bandages as soon as we get back, but let’s go around so people won’t stare at us”.  
Is Ernest worried? what time is it even? She thought.

Is he going to be mad that I was gone for so long? 

She thought but cut that thought at instant. He loves me, He will understand, she told herself,  
knowing it to be true in her heart.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I had a dream  
> I got everything I wanted  
> But when I wake up, I see  
> You with me"
> 
> Everything I wanted-Billie Eilish

“Here, that should be good enough. There’s also some antiseptic” said Ilona and handed Erwin the first aid kit she managed to find.

They passed by the hall and got into the building from a side entrance, went up a tall stairwell and ended up in a small room with a bench, a couple bookshelves and a large telescope. there was a first aid kit there as well, which was unintentionally hidden behind books and old maps, but she managed to find it rather quickly.  
“I will go change and be right back. some blood got on my dress. and I will bring a shirt and a jacket from my brother’s room, he’s about as tall as you are so I think it’ll fit” said Ilona and quickly went down the stairs.

Erwin sat down on the bench and Levi quickly sat across from him and quickly took the bandages out of his hands.  
“I want to help” he said is a serious tone “it’s a bad cut, I’m telling you.”

“okay, okay, fine, go ahead. Getting around my shoulder really could’ve been slightly uncomfortable with no help” answered Erwin and took off his blood-stained jacket and shirt.  
Levi at the time being pulled out the antiseptic bottle, opened it, poured some of the liquid on a clean cloth, and started disinfecting the cut. Erwin looked completely comfortable on the situation, and just sat there with a bored facial expression, staring out the window at the starry sky, but Levi could feel his skin getting a little tense with each touch because of the antiseptic.  
He often helped others bandage themselves, usually after much worse injuries on expeditions, but never his superiors. It felt like a chain of command distance breaker, and it’s not that they usually needed help or asked for it.  
The situation felt a little awkward and surreal to him, but it also felt reassuring, like there was suddenly no wall in the form of rank between them. 

Maybe I wanted the wall there, he thought, it doesn’t stop Hanji from being best buddies with Erwin, Mike or any other squad leader, why would it stop me then?  
It can only stop me if I let it.

He took a glance at Erwin back, trying his best not to be weird about it. he told himself that its only so he understands how to wrap the bandages, but did admit to himself that Erwin was a good looking guy. he was also surprisingly easy to talk to, and had a good heart, by the looks of it.  
I wonder if he ever felt anything towards that Military police bastard, he thought to himself. For some reason, the thought of it unsettled him greatly. He suddenly felt furious again, like he did before, and tried his best not to let it show on his face. The feeling was familiar, but the reason wasn’t again. not at all.  
Erwin tried his best to sit still so Levi can wrap the bandages right. The situation was much more comforting than he expected it to be for some reason, and he tried his best to look like it wasn’t having any effect on him. He believed that doing anything different would be unprofessional. 

But he did feel his shoulders drop and his body relax at the touch of his hands. The antiseptic hurt a bit, but the touch felt nice, cold and somehow caring still.  
“Hey, can I ask you something?” he said as he kept nonchalantly staring in the distance.  
“yes” answered Levi, while trying his best not to let his sudden unexplainable anger be present in his voice, and also in his movements “what is it?”  
“two questions actually” said Erwin “first of, can I have my letter back?  
I’m fairly sure you won’t just leaving it in your drawer or something, so it’s on you right now, correct?”

Levi froze and stared back at him. Erwin noticed the tiny hint of surprise in his eyes and continued “Hange didn’t tell me it’s you, in case you are planning her murder about now. I just took a guess”.  
Levi took out the letter from the inner pocket of his jacket and handed it to Erwin.

“it’s funny how you have something I need now for a change, isn’t it?” asked Erwin.  
“I guess” said Levi after a few moments, and went back to adjusting the bandage “Also, I don’t mind the details, whatever they are. I don’t care about stuff like that.”  
“okay, thanks” said Erwin with a smile and glanced at the letter “it brings no bad memories, but no significant ones either, in retrospective. I want it back just so I can read it once again, then burn it.”

Levi was almost surprised at how happy he felt to hear it. it’s like a weight was lifted from his chest “Sure, like I said I don’t care. It’s almost done by the way, just need to tie it.” he said and calmly continuing tying the bandages behind Erwin’s back.  
He noticed that Erwin had fewer scars, mostly from what appeared to be random small past injuries. There was one long faded scar on his back, passing along the spine. he wondered how he got it, but decided not to ask.  
“there’s another question I have” said Erwin “but you don’t have to answer, I’m simply curious, I guess. Also, I know you won’t ask- I got it from falling off the roof of my house when I was nine years old, so really not as serious as its looks” he added with a smile “you see, I pretended to be a bird, and unintentionally scared my parents half to death while at it.”  
Levi tried his best to hold in the smile appearing on his face in response.” Why am I not surprised?” he said and uncontrollably still smiled a tiny bit back at Erwin “I’ll answer, what’s the question?”

…  
Erwin remembered how when he was young his dad would read him this book with ancient folklore stories.  
One of the stories was about how an ancient mountain god made a deal with a man.  
The man and his family were running away from war happening in the kingdom they used to live in, and had nowhere else to go, but the land on the abandoned mountain was hard and brought no harvest.  
The man prayed every day so god will bring rain on the mountain, or make the earth healthier, and when the god of the mountain, who was asleep for thousands of years, was finally awoken by prayers, the man asked him to give his mountain better land, so the man could grow his crops on it.  
the god, in response, asked him to follow a set of rules, and pass those rules on to his children as god’s word and law. he already began constructing a long and complicated list, knowing of all the cruelty mankind is capable of.  
“I will do so and listen”, answered the man, before he even began describing them.  
He believed in god, and trusted fate, and nature.  
For the god, that was enough proof that that man was pure at hear, and knowing he will raise his children at his example, he instantly transformed the cold empty mountain into a beautiful green paradise,  
only then he said, “there is only one rule-seek peace, truth, and justice everywhere you will go.”  
the god left the Mountain in the hands of that man, and decided to pursue those things by himself as well, no longer confined to one place but as a free spirit traveling the world.  
…  
if we ignore the naivety and the nice casual religious propaganda, thought Erwin now, looking into Levi’s eyes,  
changing the world and others through trust will forever be my final vision”.  
…

“when you said that sometimes our brain starts lying to us to protect us, I was really surprised to hear that from you specifically” he said then “how did that play out in your life? I mean, you’re an extremely blunt guy, and I just can’t put you and self-deception in one sentence.” 

“oh, come on” answered Levi with a sigh “everyone lies to themselves sometimes, usually without noticing and out of habit, and sometimes because life hits them, demanding a sacrifice. it’s not even a lie sometimes, more like tunnel vision, a voice dictating- “the thing can be only one way there are no other options”. It can be very convincing at times, but it’s important to call bullshit when you see it, in yourself or others”.

Seek truth and justice, thought Erwin, and nodded his head in agreement.

“it’s all gonna sound a little dramatic now, but I remember the exact moment I decided my only option was to die” Levi continued, his facial expression still the same “it wasn’t really a conscious decision, considering I was extremely young at the moment, but it was there. Tunnel vision. No other way out.  
I lived my whole life up until that point with my mother.  
I think I was maybe nine or ten, not sure about that, when she started to get really sick. I didn’t understand what it meant, and she kept telling me that its nothing, that she’s just a little tired and needs some sleep, and I can see why.  
But I’m quite sure she was lying to herself as well, which I suppose I need to be thankful for, considering a pretty big amount of self-deception is needed in order to give a birth to a child in a situation like that.  
I don’t have that many memories from then, but I remember that she was very kind to me, and tried her best to protect me from the reality of our lives. she was a prostitute, and when she was working I would play by myself on a chair outside our room. there were no kids around as you can assume, and walking around alone was too dangerous in there.  
So, she was my whole world.  
and when she died from her illness it completely crushed me. I remember trying to wake her up. I didn’t know what death meant and why she’s just lying there? why is her skin is so cold? why did she leave me? I didn’t understand death, but I wanted to go with her. die with her. Fighting it felt impossible, so I just sat on the floor next to her and accepted my fate.”  
He paused, and noticed that Erwin didn’t take his eyes of him for a second as he was speaking.  
“I’m not sure about how much time it took or how exactly it happened” he continued” but a man named Kenny found me there. I still don’t know what his relation to my mother was.  
He fed me, gave me some clean clothes, taught me how to wash my hands and obvious shit of the short, always surprised I knew none of it, but most importantly- he taught me how to fight.  
and by doing so, saved my life.  
Not only for the obvious reasons l just mentioned, but also thanks to showing me that I had a choice. Death was only one choice out of many, not the true reality or purpose of my existence.  
I told Ilona all that, because for me, when life hit me at full force, I started to see the world as a cruel, cold and, well, pretty shitty place to live in, where I stood no chance.  
And it’s not that this belief contradicted reality much, it’s just that this reality had nothing to do with me.  
Who I am is up to me to choose, no one and nothing else.”

Erwin said nothing in response at first, and Levi finished tying the bandages in silence.  
“I’m sorry…” he finally said, while putting his hand on Levi’s shoulder “I’m really sorry you went through all this…”  
“ugh, its nothing” responded Levi “I mean, it sucked but it could’ve been much worse so…”  
He couldn’t finish his sentence because Erwin wrapped his arms around him, pulling him closer to his chest. He was now hugging him tightly, without saying anything back.  
At first Levi just froze and kept his face straight as he felt his heart pound faster than usual. Half of his face ended up pressed against Erwin’s chest, and he could hear his heart pounding fast as well against his rib cage. Feeling Erwin’s arms around him was weird and unfamiliar, but there was also a feeling of peace in all that, that got stronger as the seconds passed by.  
He felt his body relaxing, slowly at first, then all at once. He lowered his arms first, then hesitantly returned the hug. It was still awkward to him, and Erwin smelled mostly like blood and antiseptic, but there was something nice about that too. he closed his eyes.

Erwin cares about me.

Levi felt uncomfortable about that realization, and his eyes immediately opened. The idea of people trying to protect him or be affectionate wasn’t pleasant, and in a way made him feel guilty, he wasn’t sure why.

“not entirely that” he said. Erwin tilted his head and brought his body back a bit, and they locked eyes “I mean it IS up for me to build my future and fate, but people often need help with all that. I wish it wasn’t the case, but it is- if Kenny didn’t find me there and didn’t decide to act out of kindness for once in his life, I wouldn’t be there. He’s overall an asshat but I do have to give him that.”

“I understand, it’s okay, you made it clear” said Erwin, and slowly let go of Levi as he was speaking. “It’s never easy to admit vulnerability. I mean, I KNOW the best way to deal with personal problems is obviously organizing expeditions and yelling, instead of maybe anything else, right? so really were on the same page” he added sarcastically “on a side note, the name is familiar…oh, right, “Kenny the ripper”, I’m sure you heard about that one.”

“yes, people started calling him that. so, he’s both everywhere and completely out of my reach. I tried my best to find him when I was younger and gave up in some point. I don’t think he wants to be found, the bastard” answered Levi.

Erwin stared back at him with a surprised look “what are you saying? Kenny the ripper is an urban legend, there’s no way he’s…”

Levi shot a tired look back at him “he’s a real man. A shit man but real none the less. I grew up with him.”  
He got a bit annoyed by the questioning, but he also realized mid-sentence that he liked to see Erwin that way- swayed by an idea, his eyes glowing with excitement, for whatever reason. 

“but what if…” Erwin began saying, but Levi cut him off.  
“DUDE STOP I’m telling you its him I saw him but couldn’t catch up, goddamn!” said Levi back, slightly raising his voice.  
“really? YOU couldn’t catch up? he must be magnificent then” answered Erwin after a moment or two with a smile transforming into laugher “normally I’m no fan of subordinates calling me “dude”, but I kinda WANT you to call me that now.”  
“ugh, sorry. I got carried away” said Levi and lowered his eyes. Erwin laughed and he stared back at him, unsure how to respond otherwise.

He then raised his shoulders in undifferenced.  
He wasn’t sure what was so funny about that and the conversation started to resemble some that he had with Hange-the ones he liked having but didn’t say much in them considering it was mostly Hange laughing at her own jokes.  
Is that what they do, Hange with Erwin, just laugh at random dumb shit together? He asked himself. Fine with me, he added in his mind as he kept looking at him. what a glorious smile. What a man…what…is going on with me?

…

“I fell…I just fell its whatever…leave me alone!”

Erwin and Levi turned their heads back. Levi just glared at Sam with indifference for a few seconds, then turned his head.  
Erwin did the same, then turned to face Levi and raised his shoulders in indifference while making a slightly silly “I don’t know don’t ask me” face.

Are you and I friend’s now? wondered Levi to himself.

Erwin at the time set his gaze looked far into the crowd to find Ernest and Ilona, dancing in the distance.  
They look good together, and by themselves as well, he thought. In another life, I wish I had something like that.  
In mine nothing more than the occasional hookup won’t last. 

A random background thought crossed his mind- should I talk to Nile and try my luck in fucking him? if he’s still into me that could work…  
He shook his head in a minimized motion.  
My god EW no he’s married, and why would I think about it?! I’m not that desperate, besides, how will we live with ourselves after that? 

“I need a drink. What we came to do is accomplished so after things tone down a bit we can leave”” he stated with a blank expression before heading out to find the nearest drinks serving table.  
“good. I’m dying to go back” said Levi to his back as he left. he got back to lean on one of the pillars. 

People are so exhausting, I’d rather slay titans all day rather than all that, he thought. But if he’ll ask me to, I’ll do it all again.  
And again.  
But id prefer if it were just him and I, since to me he out of all people is not that exhausting, for some reason. 

Is that what it means to care about people? 

Why does it bother me so much then? It’s just that I care, it’s not like I want or even can, for the matter, spend all my time with him.  
but I’ll do anything he asks me to. I want him to ask me to do something for him again. I trust you, Erwin.  
I would go everywhere you’ll go, but only if you tell me to.  
Order me. please.

He shut his eyes for a few seconds.  
What was that? that’s weird... I should stop thinking about him that way. what the actual fuck am I thinking?  
He opened his eyes. The nobles in various and distracting stunning clothing passed him by, chattering between themselves. The intense glow and repeating fast movement started to give him a headache.  
“you alright? You look tired” asked Erwin, staring at him with a glass in his hand.

Not enough, Levi thought. Its not like ill be sleeping today either or anything.

“how are you not?” he asked and stood straight, disconnecting his back from the cold pillar “we all go to sleep much sooner than now each day, so?”  
“pfff…do you REALLY think I go to sleep that early?” asked Erwin with amusement “and I thought myself a nerd till now…”

They headed out towards the garden again, this time just to get away from the commotion. Erwin got ahead of Levi, and leaned on one of the garden fences, and took a sip from his glass. he started to feel tired too. Levi stood across from him making sure to avoid the people passing by, and they locked eyes.

“how do you even function if you don’t? we wake up at 5 each morning for fucks sake…” finally mumbled Levi in response.  
“A secret” said Erwin while glaring at his glass “well not really I just function on hype and coffee for the most part. Can’t sleep much lately. my head is a scary place to be in for some reason, more than usual. Fun, right?”i  
“understandable” said Levi “another thing we have in common. I don’t sleep much to begin with. and if by “my head is scary” you mean nightmares, that sucks.”  
“yup” responded Erwin “if you suffer from that I know stuff that kinda helps.”  
“No, I rarely dream about anything really. I just don’t sleep, not used to it” he answered.  
“I don’t understand.”  
“I don’t dream about stuff usually, or at least I don’t remember anything when I wake up. When I do its simply weird loops and repeating color patterns I see and has nothing to do with real life”  
Erwin looked at him with a confused expression “I get that, kind off, but what do you mean by “not used to it”?”  
“you can’t be seriously imagining Kenny the ripper setting a bedtime for me, right? I just slept whenever I could and felt like it and continued doing that till now.it used to be easier before I became a soldier.  
now it’s impossible for me to fall asleep unless I’m extremely tired, and I don’t sleep much even when I do. I usually fill up reports at night until I can’t see what’s in front of me anymore, then pass out in my chair for an hour or two, if I’m lucky. If not, I just fill them up till dusk, and hope for the best next night.”  
“Levi, when was the last time you slept?” asked Erwin, his voice becoming serious.  
“two days ago” answered Levi calmly.  
“TWO DAYS AGO?” repeated Erwin with a surprised voice while rising it “you can’t be serious…”  
“its whatever, it also gets worse when shady shit is happening around me…” answered Levi while glaring around.  
Erwin shook his head in response and took a deep breath before speaking.

“you do realize that this is not normal, right? When were you planning on telling me?”  
“I wasn’t planning to at all. I’m used to it and it doesn’t bother me, so it shouldn’t bother you either.”Levi responded.  
“of course it should!” answered Erwin with a still worried expression” you and I are going to do something about that. I can’t afford losing you, especially for a stupid reason like that.”  
“you’ll never lose me” answered Levi without thinking” I mean…think about it- If it were an issue it would objectively harm my performance, and likely would cause my death by this point. If it did so you would notice, obviously, and since there’s no effect, there’s no problem.”  
“it's not about your performance, Levi, it about you” answered Erwin. his voice got calmer, but Levi still saw a hint of worry in his eyes “You are a strong guy, we both know that. that’s why I picked you, and I know you can push yourself against all odds. But why not resolve at least one of the issues that might be an obstacle in your path? Would it harm you to at least try sleeping like a normal person?”  
Levi signed and shook his head in annoyance.  
“is that an order?” he asked “if it is just order me, and I’ll do as told.  
But if that’s merely an advice, I’m choosing to ignore it. respectfully, you are my captain, not my dad or something.”  
Erwin smirked in response and looked into his eyes “it is, then. I’m ordering you to start sleeping at least 7 hours a night, while circumstances allow it. we can start with 4 so it won’t be extremely hard. And I’m going to make sure you follow through, understood?”  
“yes, sir” answered Levi, his mouth unintentionally curling up into a smile “I will do it. but I don’t know how.”  
“well figure something out. Can’t be too hard” said Erwin in a calm voice.

“you having difficulty sleeping is a problem too then” added Levi after putting some thought to Erwin’s words” And you did nothing about it, didn’t you, captain? correct me if I’m wrong.”  
“I don’t need to. Almost everyone has nightmares, especially in our circumstances. I still sleep much more on average then you do.”  
“I sense hypocrisy in the air” mumbled Levi with a smirk while looking aside.  
“and I’m sensing disobedience.” Answered Erwin in a tired voice, but his smile still there “if you’re trying to be insulting, just quit. you’re bad at this”.  
“I’m trying to be caring” answered Levi with a straight face “guess I suck when it comes to that too.”

…  
He wasn’t sure what Erwin’s facial expression meant in response to what he just said, especially since Erwin didn’t respond.

They talked to Ernest again, this time Ilona was there too, smiling at them, as he enthusiastically talked about probability in physics, in relation specifically to bridges, for some reason.  
Levi found him a bit strange to begin with, but didn’t mind it. he believed being friends with Hange prepared him well for encounters of the short.

“I hope you will have a wonderful life together” said Erwin with no warning and smiled at them.  
They parted ways while promising to keep in touch, and Erwin could hear in their voice that the intent was genuine. 

Both while saying goodbye and promised to keep in touch,then continued their dance after Erwin and Levi started heading out together towards the entrance.  
Most of the guests looked like they were in the process of leaving as well. Erwin must have said “a pleasure” a hundred times on their way through, and Levi’s neck started to hurt from nodding and constantly looking up. Why is everyone so goddamn tall? he asked himself constantly.  
“yo guy’s, wassaaap?! Ready to go the fuck home?” asked Pixis, leaning onto his subordinates for support. They were two garrison captains he dragged along, and both looked completely done with the situation and their commander alike.  
they saw Commander Shadis as well, who arrived with no one. he shook his shoulders in undifferenced and headed towards the entrance alongside Erwin and Levi. “fine with that. guys, help your commander not fall and break a knee on the way, if y’all don’t mind”.  
The garrison captains shook their heads in agreement, yet neither hid their tired face, and left with commander Pixis, practically dragging him towards the carriage.  
“well see the outcome shortly, sir” started Erwin immediately “I hope it’s the one we anticipated by coming there.”  
“as expected, anything out of usual?” asked Shadis in response.  
Levi kept quiet and glanced at Erwin.  
“a small encounter. But nothing serious” said Erwin “we broke up a fight, to put it simply.”  
“good then” said Shadis “nothing out of usual when drinks are involved.”  
And morons, thought Levi, but said nothing.  
“Levi. It came to my attention that for some reason your commander didn’t give you an order on any of that matter,” said Shadis while glancing at Erwin “and I’m honestly surprised you are here.”  
“so am I” answered Levi.  
“he helped us a whole lot by just standing there” said Erwin quickly straight after “he’s presence been a great help. I’m sure of it.”  
“fine then, well see about that” answered Shadis with a bored Expression and glanced at Levi.  
”as well as other possible future steps”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "One thing is guaranteed- you always die alone"
> 
> Die alone-A Pale Horse Named Death

-a month later, year 842, scouting legion headquarters-

“are you going to praise my name for eternity now?! What did he say?! eh?!eh?!” asked Hanji in excitement as Levi got out of the commander's office.  
“shut up” answered Levi with a tired expression “he decided to give me a raise only after the expedition, so calm your ass down.”  
“I’m gonna calm it for now, but when you become squad leader my ass is not staying calm! no chance! And I’m going to make you a surprise!”  
she yelled back at him with a huge smile and jumped at him for a hug. At this point, Levi understood there was no point to resist any of it and let her.

“Please don’t” he said with a small smile appearing on his face, as he placed his hand lightly on her back “I hate surprises. Just give me some tea if you really feel the need to be inappropriately nice…speaking of which, there’s something I have to do”.

in addition to his meeting with the commander, who in a disinterested tone informed him their mission was a success, and they received much more support than expected, so he decided to make him a captain, to which Levi had no objection,  
today Hange was about to present her titan capturing invention, the one he helped her build. but he had some time before it was about to start.

“Aren't going to hold my hand before and make sure I don’t faint from excitement like the fragile soul I am? Fine then, I don’t need no man, humph” answered Hange in a sarcastic manner.  
“no, you don’t” answered Levi as an afterthought and headed towards his room with Hange following.

…

“Did you make sure they are aligned?”  
“yup”  
“Is there enough fuel?”  
“yup”  
“double-checked?”  
“yup, Levi, don’t worry. I was only joking about the holding hand part. I’m not stupid, you know…”  
“I’d rather respond nothing to that” answered Levi while opening the door to his room. she waited outside as he opened his drawer and polled an expensive bottle out.

“day drinking isn’t the healthiest…” Hange began saying before giggling to herself.  
“funny” said Levi dryly in response while wrapping the bottle in bright paper and headed out.  
“who is that for? Do we have a date, dear captain? I bet you can’t count the girls offering themselves to you now, being popular sure pays!”  
“fuck off. stop making up shit like that” answered Levi, slightly blushing “I don’t have a date.”  
“whiskey, huh? You truly are clueless when it comes to women…” she continued while ignoring his words.  
“not a woman. Also, again, not a date” bluntly answered Levi while walking down the corridor with Hange hovering above him while trying to keep up.  
“Does humanity's strongest swings both ways? How scandalous!  
fine I got it, NOT a woman, NOT a date, stop glaring at me like that, I’m just messing with you” she responded Quickly after realizing by the look on his face that she was pissing him off for real now.  
“I know that. You’re still annoying though. Don’t you have some preparations now?”  
“message received, have fun on your totally platonic boring meeting, but don’t lose track of time. Need a condom?”  
“get lost” whispered Levi with a blank expression before continuing walking, leaving Hange standing behind, smiling at him.

…

At the time, Erwin was sitting at his desk, making yet another attempt, for the fifth time around, in understanding what the document in front of him really meant. 

The words collided and got wrapped up in one another on the paper in front of him, and the more he tried to focus, the more scattered his strain of thought started to get.  
Just about now, the occasional cup of coffee will kick in, and it’ll be fine again, he tried his best to convince himself as he leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes.  
He was a bit sleep deprived for a few months now, but as time passed by the nightmares started to become more and more frequent, and it became harder for him to hold it together.  
At this point they started waking him each night.  
When that would happen, he always tried his best not to scream, but still usually would end up gasping for air and with cold sweat streaming down his back, unable to sleep and having no idea what to do with himself.  
For years, the thought of people he cared about dying, sometimes straight up in front of his eyes, disturbed him greatly, yet avoided his dreams by large. 

He heard from other commanders of a “breaking point” people in his position tend to have, one he was under the illusion he will never get to experience before, and it seemed like that was it.

“no matter how tough you think you are, after months, sometimes years, it becomes too much to bear, and you break down” he remembered Keith saying, long before he became commander, but as a captain to him and other recruits “And it’s perfectly normal when you do. There are many solutions to that- toning down military activity, or on the other hand increasing it, depends on the kind of person you are. it can also be change in specialty, finding good friends outside your work circle, getting laid…you name it. just make sure to notice when the idea of dying starts visiting more than usual, and when you notice that you come and tell me. I have no interest in losing more suicidal idiots than I already did”.

Asking for help like some useless bastard is the last thing on my mind, thought Erwin then,  
but shook his head in agreement like the rest of his peers.  
At the time, he believed himself to be above it, and continued to do so for years. 

He still vaguely remembered the shock and fear of realizing just what titans are on his first expeditions,  
as he witnessed them devouring people, who just an hour ago were alive, excited about going beyond the walls and fighting for humanity.  
hopes and dreams, families, lives- torn to pieces, to dead disfigured flesh, in a matter of seconds.  
They all died in unimaginable pain, with nothing but fear and hopelessness on their minds before turning into nothing.  
He felt horrified by that then, but it didn’t break him. the fear was there but didn’t control him, and it still didn’t, his dreams put aside.

for many others he used to know it wasn’t the case. 

he saw by now way too many soldiers die horrific deaths, more then he could count, but he always tried his best to believe that there was a reason, especially if he was the one sending them to die.  
He couldn’t afford thinking of it too much, because strategy often required sacrifices. 

Fighting implies loss and success as an outcome just the same, it’s just how life is. 

And he knew letting those thoughts into his mind in a disorderly emotional manner might as well be the end of him, so he tried his best to push what he felt aside, focusing on strategy instead.  
But lately, his mind started playing tricks on him, as if attempting to bring itself down. What for, he didn’t understand. 

A knock on the door brought him back to his senses, hence he almost fell asleep.  
“come it” he said in a calm voice and straightened up in his chair. He was almost relieved he didn’t get to sleep, knowing damn well what will be waiting for him if only he closes his eyes.

The door opened, Levi stepped through and without saying a word approached his desk, placing a bottle wrapped in paper on it.  
“it’s a gift back” he explained.  
Erwin stared at him with a confused look, and Levi noticed the visible dark circles underneath his eyes.  
“the tea. You remember a few…”  
“oh, right!” said Erwin loudly “the tea, yes. Thanks. But you didn’t have to.”  
“I know,” said Levi “I wanted to. also, I’m following your orders and managed to sleep almost 3 hours last night. I did pushups this time until I passed out on the floor. It worked but I need to find a way to sleep longer if I want to follow through with 7 hours, which feels like an impossible task to be entirely honest.”  
“Oh. Good. That’s …good” answered Erwin in a quiet voice “as you can see, I didn’t exactly follow in my own example.”  
“I can tell” answered Levi “you look like shit.”  
“falling asleep isn’t the issue for me” explained Erwin further “it's staying like that. also staying sane for that matter because I don’t sleep.  
it’s only a matter of time until I fuck something serious up. The expedition is in a week, how on earth am I supposed to…”  
“I get it, I get it, stop complaining” Levi cut him off “we'll figure something out. Tell me what the nightmares are about first of”.  
“they’re mostly about my da…wait” Erwin paused after starting to speak.  
While talking he attempted reading the paper again, giving up rather quickly this time. He also unwrapped the papers as he spoke “that’s expensive. I can’t accept that.”  
Levi stared back at him with a raised eyebrow and groaned in a tired manner while slightly rolling his eyes.  
“But if you insist, I will. were both will be drinking it though…um, what was I talking about?”  
“nightmares” said Levi with a blank expression, slightly happy with Erwin’s agreement, but mostly concerned for him,and sat on a chair that was placed in front of his desk.” I’m listening”  
“mostly about my dad” said Erwin. He then told Levi about his father and him. 

how he asked him a question one bright day as a kid, got a real genuine answer, and then proceeded to fuck him over by being way too excited about the truth. 

And the truth was just as painful and unescapable now, as it was then. 

He dreamt, again and again, of running down dimly lit corridors, trying to find him.  
save him.  
but in each room he turned to, were plenty of other people. But never his father. Familiar faces, no longer of this world.  
torn to pieces, eaten alive, in front of him, begging him to help them.  
Do something.  
Kill them if he can.  
spare them from the pain they’re in.  
but he can’t. he tries to reach them, but he can’t. All he can do is run forward from one corridor to another. Look for his father.  
And he either keeps running and eventually the screams wake him up, or he finds him.  
but he’s long dead, and his body feels cold in his arms.  
He was too late, and that’s somehow worse than all the screaming and pain in the world.

He lowered his head down, swallowing hard while shutting his eyes. He tried his best to look composed even then, but it was harder than usual this time around.  
he was afraid to say anything more, afraid that he might start crying again (for the second time this day).  
the hand that he kept on the table involuntarily clenched up into a fist as he spoke. He wasn’t aware of that until he looked up, surprised to find Levi’s hand on his, gently holding it.

“it's okay. Deep breaths. Don’t forget to breathe” responded Levi slowly while looking into his eyes, breathing deeply in and out himself.  
Erwin followed suit almost mechanically, as if his body started breathing on its own.

“what should I do?” he asked, more himself than Levi, as he felt tears forming up in his eyes, blurring his vision.

“it's okay to cry. I’m not going to judge you” answered Levi, his face still as calm as it was, and his voice gentle, yet firm.  
Erwin took a deep breath while slightly shaking and blinked, allowing the tears to stream down his face. And another breath as he kept looking into Levi’s calm, grey eyes.  
“do you feel my hand on yours?” asked Levi.  
“mmhm” answered Erwin.  
With each breath, he began to feel more and more distant, yet somehow relaxed. He felt safe.  
“can you please place it in mine?” asked Levi,slightly lifting his right hand up.  
Erwin’s hand slowly opened up, and he took it.

“Close your eyes. I’m going to stay here all the time; my hand is a reminder of that. And I want you to focus on your breathing.  
If you will, at any point, would like to open your eyes, feel free to do so. I'll still be there when you do.”

Erwin closed his eyes and slowly lowered his head down until he felt his forehead pressed against the table.  
it felt strange so he turned it sideways and breathed in and out slowly, as he felt Levi’s hand in his.  
his thoughts wandered aside but not for long, and His breathing got slower by each moment, up until he fell soundly asleep.

…

Erwin woke up to the sound of his alarm clock, announcing that there’s somewhere he’s supposed to be.  
He started setting it lately considering his new tendance of randomly falling asleep in the middle of the day, to make sure he didn’t miss important events.  
he quickly jerked his face up from the table, and let go of Levi’s hand so he can turn the alarm off.  
Levi slowly raised his head off the table as well.  
For a moment, he wasn’t sure how he ended up in Erwin’s office.  
And why they were holding hands just now.  
then he remembered, mostly thanks to the bottle he bought him, sitting on the table between them.  
They stared at each other for a few seconds.

“how long…” began Levi to ask.  
“four hours” responded Erwin in a surprised voice, while looking at the clock.  
“are you sure it’s not broken? Also, does that mean I actually slept for seven hours today by large?!” wandered Levi out loud in disbelief.  
“yes, and it’s not saying much, but I didn’t have bad dreams” mumbles Erwin while collecting his documents in a hurry.  
“there’s a titan capturing gear presentation, right?” he then turned to Levi to ask.

He looked so pretty with his hair messed up like that, Erwin thought, and immediately cursed himself for thinking that.

“yes…shit, I promised to show up” answered Levi and stood up while quickly while setting his hair in place with his fingers.

…

-same day, scouting legion headquarters, lower floor -

By the time they arrived the experiment was ready, and the two parted ways to mix up with the rest of the attendants.  
Levi took his place next to Hange, who was standing next to the machine, smiling nervously and visibly shaking.  
“where were you for so long?” she hissed at him as he moved towards her “not a date my ass…”  
“None of your business. why do you look pissed? you did crazy work” he whispered to her as an afterthought “stop shaking and try your best not to shit yourself.”  
“so, you’re saying that I have nothing to worry about, and it's going to be okay? That’s absolutely right, Thanks” said Hange in a confused, yet more composed tone before stepping forward.

Erwin, while standing next to Mike and the other commanders, let out a small sigh as he looked down at his papers.  
He partly lost track of time thanks to falling asleep in the middle of the day, but for the first time in a long time, he felt well rested.  
Once again, he could easily concentrate on the papers in hand, and his thoughts were in place. But the question remained.

What should I do? How should I solve this issue later on? 

He knew Levi’s presence was no magic trick, and what haunted him was still there, buried within his mind.  
Levi was right to say that I have to do something about myself too, he thought. There’s no escape, but I’m no quitter.  
…

-A week or so later, scouting legion headquarters,conference room -

“you and I should try sleeping together” said Erwin to him. it sounded like an afterthought, and his voice was quiet, almost a whisper.  
they haven’t talked since the expedition.  
It wasn’t too bad causality statistics speaking, but not that helpful either.  
Levi’s team lost two members.  
he felt empty, like a thousand times before.  
he just got promoted to captain moments ago, but he still felt empty inside.  
Hange and the others just congratulated him through tears, but he could barely hide how much it all was weighing on him.  
he couldn’t wait to be far away from everyone.  
lock himself in his room. In silence.Where there's no one talking, or crying, or yelling in pain.

“it's not the time for jokes, Erwin” said Levi eventually, not before glaring at him for a few seconds, hoping he’ll get the message and leave him alone.

“Not joking…also, congratulations. I didn’t want to ask before you were promoted. It would be totally unprofessional” answered Erwin.  
He looked visibly exhausted again, though Levi didn’t pay attention to that, hence it was a normal state after an expedition to be in.

“you’re so fucking weird, man” mumbled Levi in response, and placed his hand on Erwin’s arm to pull him aside from the center of the conference room.  
Nobody showed up yet, but they were supposed to have a meeting soon. 

“don’t say shit like that randomly. You don’t get a weirdo pass just because you don’t sleep. Also, the fact that we're the same rank doesn’t make it sound any less…strange. Anyway, what do you mean?”  
“it couldn’t be clearer. We both have issues with sleep…and at first, I didn’t understand why I fell asleep so easily with you…around. so, I read it up, turns out statistically speaking…”  
“oh no, here he goes again…” Levi cut him off and rolled his eyes.  
“I READ IT UP” repeated Erwin louder, with a small smile on his face this time” and sleeping next to people you care about makes the sleep more restorative, makes you fall asleep faster, and just generally increases sleeping quality. it also lowers blood pressure…”

“y’all aren’t old enough to talk about blood pressure like it matters” interrupted commander Pixis, followed by a few garrison commanders entering the room.  
By the looks of it, they didn’t hear much of the conversation, and cared none for the content of it.

People you care about, thought Levi. does he…never mind, he’s clearly too tired to understand what he should care about and what he shouldn’t.

“you aren’t in the best shape right now so I get why you would suggest something this absurd” whispered Levi in response, making sure that no one but Erwin hears him, while glaring aside  
“yet since we are the same rank now, I’ll save you the politeness. The answer is no.”  
“but…” Erwin began to answer.  
“your ability to think straight clearly flew out the window if you consider this a good idea. And since I’m apparently the reasonable one here today, I have to remind you that something like that could ruin your reputation if people knew and twisted the situation to their liking.”  
“I’m aware” answered Erwin in a calm,tired voice” I know it’s a strange thing to ask. I get it if you don’t want to take a risk.  
But I much rather people consider me unprofessional, as long as I know I’m not, rather than ending up making crucial mistakes that cost us lives.  
Fuck my reputation.  
On the other hand, if you care about yours, I accept that.”

“you make it sound like those are the only options you have!” shot Levi back, slightly rising voice but still whispering.  
He then lowered it back down “how about you do some breathing exercises or whatever. Go to the gym more, I don’t know, find someone to fuck or something. Acceptable solutions. Not like asking someone who tried to literally murder you in the past to hold your hand because it knocked you out once and since somehow you care…”  
“I don’t just care for you. I trust you. There’s no one else I trust like that.” responded Erwin, cutting him off.  
“Now you’re just messing with me…”wispered Levi back with a blank expression.  
“I’m not. You know my most serious secret and told no one. Neither did Hange but she has a mouth way too big for her own good. So, I trust her but I’m still kind of wary.  
The way you spoke to me…I didn’t know you could or wanted to speak like that.  
you wanted to be there with me.  
I saw it, or you wouldn’t go out of your way to help me.  
You could just leave the bottle on my desk and go, that what I thought you’ll do. But you stayed.”

“ugh…” unclearly responded Levi eventually after a pause while looking aside. Trust is a serious thing, he thought. Should I take it as a sign to agree? 

“I mean you are right, there are indeed many solutions” continued Erwin” But I have no interest in toning down. if I want to become commander one day that’s not an option. occupying myself with work completely doesn’t solve the problem in the long run, I checked. also, I haven’t been in love for a long time, and quite sure I lost the capability of it, and with or without, sex is a temporary solution. Hell, everything is a temporary solution. Solving it with a person I trust, or at least trying to, isn’t temporary. Not if they end up dying that is. And as humanity's strongest” his mouth curled into an amused but a bit sad smile” you truly are my best bet"


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Take a seat back in your clam shell  
> If the oceans not enough, nor am I"  
> Alrighty Aphrodite- Peach Pit

“I’ll think about it” responded Levi eventually. He wasn’t sure what, but something about what he said started to convince him, little by little.  
“thank you. I mean it. can I ask a favor?” responded Erwin and turned to look around. As they spoke, more and more people started showing up.  
“tch…what is it?”  
“thought you’ll be nice to me once and I’ll be so shocked that I won’t ask anything of you again, didn’t you?” asked Erwin in a sarcastic tone” you miscalculated to consider me a polite or nice person then. I’m none of it. would you sit next to me? My head is a mess and It's hard for me to read…”  
“you are unsufferable…” responded Levi, unable to hide the small smile appearing on his face as the two walked together towards the table in the middle of the room.  
Gazing around the room, he noticed a pair of bright eyes staring at his direction. 

the military police vice commander, who just entered the room, looked at no one but Erwin, or at least so it seemed, and Levi found it irritating. His subordinates made unnecessary loud comments about something to him, and he responded to them with a puzzled expression, but his gaze was fixated exactly where Levi was standing.   
At least hide it better, for fucks sake, Levi thought and turned towards the table, trying his best to ignore the anger appearing in his heart again, projecting into his skull, blinding his vision. his throat, making him want to scream. His hands, which quickly turned into fists, ready to throw a punch. he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.   
Not now, it doesn’t matter, let it go, He kept telling himself while looking ahead. Erwin seemed to be way too much in his head to notice his gloomy expression, or even that it was not the expression he usually had.  
Funny enough, he and Nile thought the same that day.

It doesn’t matter.  
But it still did. Always will.  
Seeing you will always make me feel like dying, he thought, looking at Erwin, and I’m at peace with that in this point. it doesn’t matter.   
Many things do, anyway. My life does so enough, with you or without. I’m used to it. and at peace with that as well.

…

Levi followed the conversation halfway listening. Nobody expected him to say anything, and he was glad that it was the case.

And now he was finally alone.

He locked the door, threw his jacket over the hanger, adjusted it to make sure it doesn’t fall, and dragged his feet towards the desk, pulled out teabags and a cup, and made his way towards the kettle. He specifically bought it about a year ago so he could make tea in his old room, with no need going outside.   
Most of his squad members found the idea amusing.   
He will surely, in a way, miss their presence, but definitely not the noise.

Now that he moved all his belongings to his new room, he came to realize they were few he actually cared about. The rest felt like baggage, so he made a pile of stuff to throw away while drinking the tea he just made. The one Erwin gave him.

The knife Kenny gave him many, many years ago was still there, lying wrapped in a piece of cloth. He stared at it for a few moments, wondering whatever keeping it or throwing it away would be better. Eventually, he carefully placed it into a box, along with old clothes, a broken teacup he forgot he had, old papers, and some other stuff he decided it would be better to let go of. then he placed the box near the entrance to the room.

It was late, and he gradually felt the building around him become more and more peaceful.  
there were no longer footsteps echoing through the corridors, and the voices in the distance became less and less present.   
He could hear a crack of wood and a movement passing through the walls here and there, but there came silence by large, as the scouting legion mostly went to sleep.

The following hours he spent going through paperwork, one he had some good days to finish but decided not to delay on, and organizing his belongings some more.  
He found a small book Hange gave him about the machinery behind the ODM gear functioning. He decided to read it for the hundredth time around and leaned back in his chair, hoping it would put him to sleep out of boredom.   
It didn’t.   
Back to em’ old pushups, is it? he asked himself and gazed towards the door.  
Erwin’s room is on the same floor. Five doors to the left across from his. He checked. Less than a minute away.  
I could say hello, he thought. I wonder if he’s asleep. Probably not, judging by his face earlier today.   
Probably shouldn’t, he decided. Not today.  
Erwin was fun to be around. He always had interesting insights that Levi more than often would’ve never think of, no matter the topic of conversation.   
He was always saw something Levi couldn’t beyond this hell they lived in.   
his mind was sharp and outstanding. and none of the issues he had, consequences of their shared profession, could dim his talent.   
But as much as a part of him wanted to just get up and walk over there, he couldn’t forget the possible unpleasant outcomes of forming an attachment. Every single person he made the mistake of taking a liking in turned up dying or just leaving. The latter was a better option, sure, yet hurt no less.  
However, to that he was used, much like to not sleeping, or pain, or death. So the option was still open, drifting upon his mind.  
His eyes wandered toward his door again, and he wondered how much of that Erwin was used to as well, just like him.

…

Days passed by. they briefly met from time to time, yet their short conversations felt dull, mostly since Erwin was in charge of talking, and these days he hadn’t much to say.   
He didn’t mention the idea again, and Levi was both relieved and concerned by that.  
Erwin, on his end, tried his best to pretend his problems didn’t exist, and it turned out well at times.

But the more it went on, the more surreal and terrifying they would become. Almost as if a devil found shelter in his mind. Pulling him under, with no mercy or consideration for anything he was. a curse he definitely deserved for spilling so much blood. Or maybe it was just his imagination drifting  
.  
Waking up was to this was exhausting. More than anything he ever did. He couldn’t scream anymore, even if he wanted to. It took way too much energy.

Erwin laid back down with tears in his eyes. What were they about, he didn’t know for sure at this point. He was so tired of it all.  
“Just let me sleep, for fucks sake” he mumbled and closed his eyes. he wasn’t sure who he was addressing, but it didn’t matter. He knew he would wake up again, maybe in an hour, and maybe in two. But this thing won’t leave him alone.   
“do you want something of me? Do you want me to die?” he asked, his voice bleak and a bit sarcastic in tone. No answer followed.  
“What is the benefit of not letting me sleep, huh? So I make mistakes and send my soldiers toward certain death for nothing? So I fuck up my career and become completely useless, and my option would really be just to die? Is that what you want?” he asked, louder this time.  
Do I want to die? He asked himself.  
“No.... no I don’t… not thinking about it… just no…” he whispered, his voice getting quiet again. he then got up as fast as he could and headed towards the shower room.  
He could barely see himself in the mirror as he aimlessly splashed water on himself. It got better, but his vision still felt blurry. I have to tell someone about this, he decided.  
It’s too kind of Levi to let me keep my secrets like that, and I managed to completely ruin his trust in me, he thought.  
Here goes the only person you felt comfortable enough to talk to about that, good job Erwin, he cursed himself as he walked back. but it’s not about just me anymore, in this point, lives matter more than my career or my pride.  
It’s practically a miracle I didn’t collapse in the middle of the expedition, how in the fuck am I supposed to keep going?  
He laid down and closed his eyes again. And as his mind collapsed into itself and he fell asleep again, he felt alone. Lonelier than ever, and that saddened him more than anything else.

…

Levi dreamed of darkness. Something caught him and was dragging his body down. He tried to break out of its grip, but it was way too strong.   
It wasn’t human, no doubt.   
Not a titan. Something else.   
Something much worse, or so it felt.

He woke up in his chair and automatically jumped up, heavily breathing. He was sweating, his heart almost jumping out of his chest. 

“fuck” he mumbles, picking up a book he proceeded to drop in the midst of jumping up. he quickly laid it back on his desk, checked the time, and reached his hand into the cabinet to grab a towel.  
It was around 1 am, meaning he slept for only an hour this time. His pulse was still higher than usual when he stepped underneath the warm stream of water, and as it ran through his hair, face, and body, he finally made a choice.   
The walk really did take less than a minute. And he could tell Erwin was probably awake too, judging by the light coming from underneath the door.  
He paused and took a few deep breaths. He felt nervous.  
What am I, a schoolgirl? He asked himself and knocked on the door. Erwin’s the one purposing such a ridiculous solution anyway, so it’s on him.  
There was no answer, so after a moment of hesitation, he took the liberty of trying to open the door. It wasn’t locked. Levi carefully stepped in and looked around. Their rooms were build more or less the same- a walk-in office, and a side sleeping room, A small shower room located at end of it as well. A bit cramped, especially if one happened to have as many books as Erwin had, but totally manageable.   
Erwin’s desk, with the god-forsaken unevenly placed lamp that drove him insane each time, was barely visible underneath all the papers and books, piled up on top of each other.   
I’m so forcing you to clean up after you’re back to normal, he thought.  
The floor was covered with so many piled-up books and paperwork he had to watch his step, carefully passing around the desk, trying to find out if Erwin is asleep.  
If he is, I’ll just leave and talk to him tomorrow, he decided, no way in hell I’m waiting for him here in all this mess…  
He froze, since he wasn’t ready for what he saw. Prepared, but not ready.  
He almost tripped over him while entering the room.  
Erwin was laying down on the floor, curled up, with paperwork all over the place around him and underneath. He was holding a map, that halfway rolled out of his hand on the floor. Levi carefully passed above him, trying his best to make as little noise as possible.  
Who sleeps like that, you dumbass? He asked himself while grabbing a blanket from his bed, since Erwin was only wearing pajama pants and looked visibly freezing on the floor, his arms and hands shaking slightly in minimized motions.

He was obviously too tired to care for it, or for the fact that he is, for the matter, on the fucking floor, thought Levi as he spread the blanket above him, and sat down after moving the papers aside as quietly as he could, leaning onto the wall near the door, his knees lightly pressed onto his chest. he could see Erwin’s arms get less tense underneath the blanked, and his body straightened up a bit. He was warm now, at least compared to before. His face blank and peaceful, his mouth slightly open, breathing slow.  
He was calming to look at like that, Levi noticed, and suddenly felt the urge to run his hand through his hair.   
But that would wake him up, also that unappropriated, he told himself and just kept looking instead.   
He yawned, and stretched his arms backward. and just like that, his eyelids started to get heavier and heavier with each moment passing.  
His arms felt incredibly light as he lowered them down, as if they didn’t belong to him. He placed one on top of his knees, and the other over Erwin’s hand, again, the same way as he did before. His eyes started to close, and he no longer cared much for the reasons he had not to get close. He only thought of sleep. And as his mind slipped into it, Erwin’s hand felt nice and warm and familiar in his, and that’s all that mattered.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Like the scar on your spine  
> You fell off our roof  
> When you were nine  
> You've lived a life  
> Before me"  
> watch you sleep-girl in red

The morning sun shone through the white curtains hanging over the window.  
Some of the rays got through and reflected into the room, dancing on his face.  
Erwin slowly opened his eyes, and immediately felt the urge to stretch. 

the floor hard felt uncomfortable, and his back was killing him.  
there was something touching his hand. something warm.  
He sat up.

Levi quickly opened his eyes and raised his head up.  
Erwin was right there, on the floor with him, staring at him with a surprised look on his face.

“morning” Erwin said, and smiled at him “why are you here?”  
“same question” Levi said in response, still not entirely awake, staring back into his blue eyes.  
“what?” Erwin wasn’t full awake either.  
“why did you decide to take a nap on the floor?”  
“didn’t decide. I woke up for the second time today” he answered in an expressionless voice after a yawn “Decided not to waste time and started mapping new territories. Not sure what happened next.”

“this is ridiculous…You are ridiculous” Responded Levi and got up, offering him a hand “you’ll catch a cold like this, you know…”  
“why are you here?” Erwin repeated the question after getting up “don’t get me wrong, I’m glad, but why the change of heart?”  
he was almost surprised how strong his small arms were, pulling his up in a quick motion. Levi kept staring at him with a tired expression.  
“I wanted to help you. it’s only a matter of time before you fall asleep mid ride and crash into a fucking tree or something, no way for you to become a commander like this…”  
“you think a tree would stop me from reaching my goals?” asked Erwin while slightly chuckling.  
Levi stared back at in him in response in an even more exhausted manner, but couldn’t hide a small smile appearing on his face. 

“know this-even if that means I’ll have to straight up knock you unconscious, until you and I fix that you aren’t going beyond the walls. I won’t let you.”  
“you don’t have to put so much effort into it…” Erwin began to answer. He wanted him to stay. he really did. But the devotion in his words made him a little anxious. What if he fails him?  
“I’m here because I want to be” Levi interrupted him while heading towards the door “I know you well enough to tell you’ll pick yourself up until it kills you, and I won’t let you do this to yourself. you perceive yourself as replaceable, and you aren’t. we need you.”

“everyone is replaceable” responded Erwin “we both are. but I offered, you accepted, that’s all there is”.  
“whatever” Levi swiftly moved around all the obstacles on Erwin’s office floor on his way out  
“see you at breakfast. Also next time” he added while opening the door “for the love of god, wear a shirt.”

…

“are you sure you don’t want more space?” asked Erwin as he laid down. His day went on smoothly, thanks to him being mostly awake during it, and he was glad for it.  
“no, it's fine” Levi responded, leaning with his back against the wall “thanks for wearing a shirt this time, at least”  
he felt strange looking at Erwin from above, and he felt a bit awkward about it, but tried his best no to show it.  
“if you’ll need more, feel free to move me” answered Erwin with a yawn “god knows you’ll be able to.”  
“I’m not going to be disturbing you while you’re asleep, sheesh” Levi protested with a blank expression “told you already, I have enough space.”

As their hands met Levi kept looking into the other side of the room, as far from Erwin as possible. He didn’t want his face to give away even the slightest sign of anything he was feeling, not to mention he had no idea how to describe it. he would call that excitement if not for how strange, strong and almost suffocating the feeling was.

…

A few days passed. Both practically ran from one meeting to another, in preparation for the upcoming expedition.  
Levi was in the process of assembling his squad, and was even a bit surprised by the among of paperwork he had to fill in his new position.  
Erwin had his responsibilities and worries, as he usually did. But his days were no longer an endless blur he tried his best not to get lost in, and he was glad for it.  
Sometimes they’ll go whole days without exchanging a word, yet by the time Levi would show up in his room at evening there was no longer stiffness in their conversation flow.  
He still felt strange sleeping while lying down and preferred sitting up while leaning on the wall, and Erwin in his turn was no longer surprised by it.

But physical touch was still startling him, for the first minute or two at least.  
He made it a habit to look aside until the feeling passed, still not sure completely of the nature of it.

“hey, thanks for being there” Erwin said to him after a few minutes of silence passed between them one day, his voice soft and relaxed.  
“It means a whole lot to know I’m accepted by someone whole heartly. As who I really am.”  
“I have nightmares too” answered Levi quickly, as he sat beside him. “Most people do, in our position especially. you’re not special, and frankly are making a way too big of a deal out of this…”

I wish I wasn’t making such a deal out of holding damn hands, he thought. but his heart still beat fast, and he still couldn’t look Erwin in the eye.

Erwin was quiet for a second or two, then burst out laughing in response and quickly sat up.  
now Levi had to turn his head to meet his gaze. What did I say now, he thought nervously with a slightly confused expression in response.  
“no, I mean me being into men” he said, his voice still cracking with laughter “you know THAT about me and somehow think I worry about damn mental health?!” he still had to make pauses in between the laughter “oh god that hilarious…”  
“I told you, I don’t care about stuff like…” Levi began to answer but was quickly cut off.  
“most people do, and it’s still wild to me that you don’t.” said Erwin, still with a smile on his face, his laughter calmed down almost completely.  
“I’m so glad I met you” he continued while laying back down. He let go of Levi’s hand in the midst of laughing, and calmly grabbed it back into his.  
Levi lost the ability to speak for a minute or two. he was definitely not expecting to hear that.  
“only stupid people think it’s important. Sadly, most people are…” he finally said.  
Erwin didn’t answer. It seemed like he already fell asleep.

…

“you smell like tea” commented Mike nonchalant while Erwin passed him by in the hallway.  
“huh?” responded Erwin, trying his best to look unbothered by his input.  
“it’s that orange tea too” Mike added and casually came closer to sniff his shoulder “we are fancy today, I see…”  
Erwin chuckled in response “it’s just tea, stop inhaling me… “  
“nice to see that smile again” responded Mike, taking a step back “you looked pretty gloomy for a week or two, I’m glad it got resolved.”  
“yea…” responded Erwin, looking down. Not by itself it didn’t. “I had some trouble sleeping…”  
“been there, and that sucks. not a fan” responded Mike with a blank expression “I was in all honesty worried its worse than that…but glad it isn’t and that you’re back to normal.”  
“thanks…me too” responded Erwin, looking back instinctively.  
it sure got resolved for the most part.  
he didn’t understand completely why, but sleeping next to him was what he needed.  
He still woke up out of bad dreams from time to time, but when he did, he wasn’t alone.  
Levi always woke up with him and stared at him with a blank, slightly sympathizing expression, his eyes half closed and his hair messy from sleep, and slightly tighten the grip of his hand on his.  
”it’s okay.im here.go back to sleep”.  
Nothing calmed him down more than those words. Specifically said by him in a deep, tired, voice. They echoed through his brain as he closed his eyes and the last thing, he felt each time was Levi’s hand in his. each time.

…

A week passed, and Levi started to be less and less nervous around him, and no longer hesitated taking his hand. it all started to get incorporated into his routine, and the more it did the less strange it made him feel. But the suffocating feeling was still there, bringing more excitement then discomfort little by little, as the days went by.  
“do you want to share a room?” asked Erwin in some point during lunch “I know people who do that, and its much appreciated by the higher ups since it’s a good way to save up living space, what do you say?”  
“we can do that” said Levi. he wasn’t sure how much he liked the idea yet, but it sounded nice and would save him the walks back and forth to his room.” but don’t you dare spread your shitty papers all over the place. Don’t think I’ll go easy on you”.  
“I actually want to get more organized, so that’s a bonus…” he answered then quickly turned aside to speak  
“HEY! easy on that beer, we only get it once a week, Hange. We need you sober.”  
“dum-hum” mumbled Hange in response between gulps.  
“you just got there four-eyes, what’s your damage?” asked Levi in a tired voice, glaring at her “stop this before you throw up!”  
“don’t care” responded Hange after swallowing “I can’t believe you guys had beer for lunch all this time and told me nothing!”  
“why is that so important?” asked Levi in a serious voice “we have tea…”  
“just because you got promoted doesn’t mean you need to abuse your privileges” Erwin added.  
“fine, fine” responded Hange in defeat “just one more…”  
“if you’ll end up sick it’ll be your problem” hissed Levi at her “I have shit to do and won’t be spending time on my day off babysitting you…”

…

“you are my BEST friend, I don’t want you to die…” mumbled Hange as they carried her to her room.  
“not planning to, dumbass” hissed Levi as she drunkenly hugged him.  
“I love you both so much! Erwin, you’re the coolest dude…” she continued as Erwin was opening her door.  
“I know, I am. Hold on, were almost there” he responded with a giggle.  
“please don’t throw up on me” mumbled Levi for the fifth time this day as he carried her and carefully placed her on her bed.” thank god. Now, go the fuck to sleep…”  
“I’m squad leader now!” she stated a fact with excitement.  
“no shit…” said Levi in response.  
” I want a titan as a present, can you bring me one?” she mumbled beck in a tired voice.  
“sure” said Levi sarcasticly in response while taking her glasses off and placing them on her nightstand. “totally acceptable request after you gave me a broom.”

…

“is she for real?” Erwin whispered with amusement in his voice as they quickly closed the door. he made sure to move as quietly as possible to make sure she can rest.  
“the broom? Yes” answered Levi.  
“I have a question” said Erwin.  
“please don’t ask me about brooms” Levi added in serious manner.  
“not going to. how’s the squad assemble going?” Erwin asked with a smile after contemplating Levi’s words with an amused expression.  
“already found three people. They’re good, so, it’s going…” said Levi.  
“glad to hear. If you need help with it, or anything really, feel free to ask” he turned to face him and gently took both his hands into his “I can recommend some options if you want.”  
“thanks, but I don’t need any help, for now. also, don’t do that here- it might look weird” he responded shortly.  
“all right, sorry about that” answered Erwin as he let go of his hands. “there’s a question on my mind.”  
“yes?”  
“I noticed that you don’t like being touched, is there any reason for it? and can I do something about it? you don’t have to answer it’s just…”  
“I’m not used to it” answered Levi after giving some thought “touch to me means trouble, by nature. so It’s mostly a habit, and you can’t. “  
Levi wasn’t surprised he noticed, but was taken aback.  
“it stood out as I got to know you” said Erwin with a smile in response “you’re helping me immensely and I really want to return the favor, so if there’s anything I can do for you, please tell me.”  
“fine” Levi quickly said in response “but it’s just a habit, that’s all. Doesn’t mean I can’t form a new one.”

…

Levi forgot those words half a second later, yet Erwin on his end thought about them the whole day.

There seemed to be no end to his books as he carried them into their new room, going back and forth. The expedition was in a week. He had the time.  
Levi had much fewer items then he did, and finished moving them much faster.

“well, you must be a fucking wizard to jam all of these in one small office like that…” he mumbled as Erwin passed him by with the occasional pile he carried. His arms were crossed on his chest and it seemed that there was something bothering him.  
“not a wizard. I Just like to read” responded Erwin while lying his books in an already standing, disorderly and slightly intimidating pile that emerged on the floor of their shared room “sorry about the mess. I Know its driving you mad”.  
“its not that. I mean, its also that, but mostly everything else” he answered in frustration and let out a sign “replacing habits isn’t my strongest side exactly.”  
“am I a new habit?” asked Erwin, having no specific idea why. Maybe he wanted to know what it all meant to him.” sorry…you said that yesterday and I didn’t really catch that.”  
“I guess you can say so…” Explained Levi in response after some thought “friendship generally is, for me at least.”  
“but you have friends beside me.” 

Levi wanted to say that he never had ones he held hands with, or slept next to voluntarily. But decided not to.  
“I never had roommates…I mean, by choice” he eventually said instead “not used to the idea, and used to being alone.”  
“well, ill try my best not to be a shitty one then. also I know you already you won’t hesitate to tell me to fuck off when you need space, so I don’t think there’ll be any problems with that.”  
“I don’t ask for much. as long as you won’t trash the place, you’re good. “answered Levi. they continued to work in silence, interrupted from time to time by Erwin placing books on the floor and Levi grumbling in frustration in response to the mess he was creating.

…

“idiots” mumbled Levi while tiredly dragging his feet towards his building “I fucking told them to get out of the way…”

His arm hurt, but he felt it only partly.  
mostly he felt the blood of the titans still on him somehow, despite its tendency to evaporate.  
It wasn’t an unusual feeling. He needed a shower. And sleep. And everyone to shut up. 

The sounds around him where still overwhelming as he got into the shower, carelessly throwing his clothes on the floor.  
He didn’t care about them being out of order, and much more about how dirty he was. Taking them off with one hand was hard enough.  
Even the sound of the stream was too overwhelming at first.  
He heard the screams through the stream of water this time around again, a cruel twist of reality his mind often fabricated after expeditions.  
Sometimes it'll happen through background chatter, cracks of the fireplace and whatnot. a scream of clearly nonexistent origin would appear, ringing nonstop in his ears.  
for an hour or two, sometimes a little longer.  
I just hear what I’m used to hearing, he told himself repeatedly while shutting his eyes.  
He brought his arm into the stream and turned it freezing cold. 

Thank god he didn’t twist it, but the dark bruise he got from that hit wasn’t any good either.  
Without my arms and legs, I’m as good as dead, he thought, forcing his arm underneath the water.  
The cold numbed the pain, but not for long. All he managed to do was dress himself up with two hands before his arm between the shoulder and the elbow felt as if it was on fire once again with each movement.  
He walked out to find Erwin in the room, still in gear. He didn’t say anything at first, and calmly observed Levi as he passed him by.  
“how is your arm?” he finally asked, His voice clearly tired.  
“nothing serious, I’ve just stretched a muscle” responded Levi. Erwin noticed how his gaze was fixated on his shoes and how he tried his best in keeping his arm still in order to avoid the pain, flinching with each accidental movement. It wasn’t in the background anymore. “should put some ice on it…” Levi added and was about to get out.  
“no” Erwin blocked his path “sit down. keep it still. I’ll bring ice.”  
Levi looked visibly uncomfortable hearing that, but was also way too tired to convince him otherwise.  
“fine” he said in response, slightly lifting his arms in frustration out of habit, and immediately regretted doing so. “I’m sure grateful to still have arms but it’s such a pain anyway” he hissed in pain while carefully bringing his arm down.  
“I said keep it still” Erwin shot back at him while sprinting out ”and sit down, for fucks sake.”

…

“Would it kill you to ask for help?” Erwin asked after coming back.  
he was no longer as impatient as before and carefully wrapped the ice in a piece of cloth before applying it to his arm as fast as he could. but his voice still trembled.

“I was fine as it is, why would I bother you for no reason? It’s not like I can’t walk, you know.” Answered Levi while his voice shivering a bit because of the cold “Stop making it a big deal. also, you need a shower, you smell like shit...”  
“alright, sorry.” Erwin agreed. He was no longer mad, only tired “I annoyed you enough. You’re right”

“hey” added Levi just before Erwin got out of his line of sight “thanks anyway.”

“sure, that’s what friends are for” he said back, putting not much thought into it, and closed the door.


End file.
